Ass Pennies – Upright Citizens Brigade

Ass Pennies – Upright Citizens Brigade


Suck. So, anyways, I finally got
a meeting with Bellamy, the bacon bits king. Now, I know
my campaign’s awesome. The problem is,
everybody I talk to says Bellamy’s
a real ball-breaker. Yeah, that’s what
they say. Yeah. Well, Nick,
you’re my brother and you’re incredibly
successful. Yes, I am. I was hoping that maybe
you could give me some tips that might give me an edge
when I meet with him. Okay, sure.
Here’s a good one. When you greet him, give him
a good, firm handshake and don’t release
until he does. No, no, no, no.
I want something different. Something special. Wear a red tie. Power tie,
that’s bush league. I’m talking about
a secret weapon here, Nick. Oh, secret weapon, huh? Yeah. Okay, I think I know
what you’re after. But if I tell you,
you gotta promise not to tell
anybody else. I promise. This is sort of
a long-term strategy. When’s your meeting
with Bellamy? A week from today. Oh, not much time,
but it might work. Yeah, okay, sure. Every time a penny
passes through your hands, stick it up your ass. What? And then spend it. (sarcastic)
Thanks, Nick. Yeah, I thought you were
really gonna help me. How does sticking pennies
up my ass give me an edge
when I meet with him? You don’t just
stick ’em up your ass, you spend them. Now, like I said,
it’s a long-term strategy. I’ve been doing this
for 11 years now. Every day
for the past 11 years, I’ve stuffed $30
in pennies up my ass. I use ’em for everything–
cab rides, movie theater,
groceries. What does that accomplish? Will you listen? That’s a lot of ass pennies
I got out there, my friend. And here’s where
the magic comes in. When I meet with someone
who intimidates me, who puts me on edge,
a real “hard-ass,” I just think to myself, they’ve probably handled
one of my ass pennies. In fact,
they probably have one in their pocket right then. That just seems to sort of
give me the upper hand. I mean, hey, I haven’t
touched anything that’s been in their ass. Hey, where’s Bellamy
like to eat? He likes to eat
at the Pump Room. Great,
here’s what you do. Go to the bank today.
Get yourself $50 in pennies. Stick ’em all
up your ass. Oh, please… One at a time,
of course. You go to the Pump Room,
buy yourself a nice dinner, paying entirely
in pennies. Now, they’ll be
using your pennies for
the next week at least. Bellamy goes in there
to eat. He gets your ass pennies
for change. By the time
you meet with him, you know he’s had
something in his hand that you’ve had
in your ass. So? So then you got
the upper hand. No, I don’t. Yeah, you do. It’s just like imagining
someone in their underwear. No, it’s not!
It’s horrible! Yeah, well,
it works for me. (scoffs) You know what?
I used to look up to you. I used to think you really
had it together. Oh, I do have it together,
little brother. You don’t pull down
eight figures a year without having it
to-gether. You don’t have it
together, Nick. You stick pennies
up your ass for confidence. That’s not having it
together! Do you think you’re
better than me? I didn’t say that. Oh, you didn’t have to. It’s written
all over your face. You have any change
in your pocket? Why? Take it out. Why? Go on. Take it out
and take a good look at it. (coins jingling) Oh, my. You’ve got a few pennies
in there, don’t you? I’ve been sticking
$30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years. That’s 3,000 pennies
a day. 21,000 pennies a week. 1,092,000 pennies
a year. To date,
that’s 12,012,000 pennies, eight times the population
of Nebraska. Those pennies
were in my ass! You think you’re better
than me? Oh, you’re not
better than me. You handle my ass pennies
every day. You pick up my ass pennies
for good luck. You throw my ass pennies
in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies
to your little daughter to buy gumballs… Ugh…! You handle my ass pennies
every day. All of you! You all handle my ass pennies! I’ll laugh at you
before you can laugh at me. Because your pennies
have been in my ass.You hear me?

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    Moonvomit666

    I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years. That's 3,000 pennies a day, 21,000 pennies a week, 1,092,000 pennies a year. To date, that's 12,012,000 pennies. Eight times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies every day. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with. You handle my ass pennies every day. All of you! You ALL handle my ass pennies! Oh, I'll laugh at you before you can laugh at me! Because your pennies have been in my ass!

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    Thesis Statement

    how does he know other people don't use the same method? then he's probably had ass pennies that've been up someone else's ass in his ass…

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    Brett Welch

    When he gets those rolls of pennies from the bank every day you know the tellers are like "wonder what he does with all those pennies" and I'm sure at least one teller says "he probably sticks em up his ass"

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    STEVEN SPENNEBERG

    I saw this when it first aired. I’ve thought of it EVERY time I’ve seen pennies since. As I watch it now, I’m impressed that it’s shot in ONE take. The Cameraman gets on a golf cart. Gets off follows them. Pans to other golfers and faces right on time. Very impressive

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    Word Unheard

    I use dimes. It's easier to fit dimes up your ass, than it is pennies. Plus, people will hang onto dimes. When receiving change, if it's four cents, most people will say, "Keep the change, ya filthy animal." No one turns down dimes.

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    Coffinsmoke

    I've been sticking gold bars up my ass since 84. Damn I should have used pennies ,because my ass is blown out.

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    kaineray47

    UCB is a famous improv in California these guys have been around forever Amy Poehler was also in UCB! So ridiculous and well done!

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    Andrew Kelly

    I liked how in some sketches after this, like in stores and stuff, there'd be signs like "No Ass Pennies." Classic.

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    LaGuerre19

    I've got so much copper and zinc in my bloodstream now, but the last two decades have been good for me and my clan.

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    Food hat

    I am getting some serious "Clerks" vibes from this. I can totally see this conversation happening in that movie.

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    Wolfanoz

    So if you stuck pennies in your ass and someone else did the same with the same penny, would that be considered ass to ass?

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    Rich Rich

    I know it's a joke, but that's just genius. Now, why stop at pennies, how about dimes nickles and quarters!! Now, everyone knows how it feels when people take money out of their bras and it's all wet! 🙁

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    Paul Newton

    The business sociopaths closeted version of someone eating shit just to make you smell it on their breath

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    voicetube

    Warning: this is a bit crude. That said, this is still may be my favorite single comedic sketch that I have ever witnessed. It's most CERTAINLY in the top three.

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    Adam Ohm

    Ian Roberts' character reminds me a little of Patrick Bateman from "American Psycho". Considering this skit came out two years before that film, I wonder if Christian Bale was inspired by this? The mannerisms of both characters are spot on.

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    John McCarroll

    He touches those same pennies when he sticks them up his ass.. & when he pulls them back out.. so he's also an Ass who touches his own shit.

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    Shane Archuleta

    Best comedy show ever!!!!
    Also best way to know if someone is cool if they know about ass pennies.

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    Exercise&Relax

    This show was, and is, criminally underrated. The writing and acting were on another level from most sketch comedy. And this sketch was one of the best!

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    Dylan Crosson

    this is a very effective life hack. I got drunk one night a decade ago and pissed all over the door handles of my abusive owner's restaurant. After that I floated through every shift as though riding a cloud

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    FineDecision

    what if he stuck ass pennies up his ass? how does he ensures every penny he sticks up his ass isn't something he already marked?

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    nature freak

    This was back when Comedy Central was funny. And not woke. That said, damn you Comedy Central for canceling UCB!

    There should have been a season 4.

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