Can You Be In Love With Multiple People?

I don’t know, like are you not jealous? Because I don’t want to share my partner at all. I have my polyamorous people on the left spotlight, and my monogamous people on the right spotlight. Walk forward if you agree, stay there if you disagree. “Humans are naturally polyamorous.” We would be the ones. [laughs] The way I think of myself as “polyamorous” is even more broad than sexuality, and it’s just simply like— you know, I can see the beauty in and adore, and love qualities of an infinite number of people if I just recognize myself in another person. Yeah! We don’t just love one kid, we love multiple children. We don’t just love one friend. Maybe we don’t love just one job! We’re in LA Hell, we probably up to 12 jobs amongst the 3 of us here How many people have gotten divorced, and… remarried? And it’s like, “Oh, I’m on my fourth marriage.” You know like how does that work out? It’s like… How is it— That’s really— sorry to interrupt, but, that that is kind of like polyamory over time, actually. It’s just a circle non-ending, when you could have just been true to yourself, and had those multiple relationships whether… they had a piece of paper or not. I understand that a lot of marriages fail, but at the same time I feel like a lot of people don’t put in the effort that they should. If people are willing to try and do the best that they can, and try to be the best for this one person… it can definitely work. A lot of people in polyamory… want to use the ‘divorce’ example as a reason for why they’re polyamorous, and they understand, but, at the same time it’s— you can’t really know until you try it. And a lot of people that are monogamous think that polyamory is just all sex You know? I’ve been with the same guy for… six years, and I’ve never felt like I needed to be with someone else. And if I did I would have just— left him? As bad as that sounds. I just can’t imagine like… feeling equally for two people. We have to be equal though It doesn’t— No Usually you like, I mean for lack of better words, like rank your partner’s. Like— You have a primary partner, so, in most, even in polyamorous relationships… I’m in an open relationship not polyamorous— Which isn’t about just sex— But, it isn’t… I do have a primary partner, who I live with, and who I spend time with, and I share bills with, and I share a family with. And then I have other partners— Maybe who I share… dinner and drinks with, or we have a similar career interest, and someone would just love making out with. So I think that there are… Yes, there’s compartmentalized ways— and there are people who do have two equal partners, I think that’s probably the minority versus the majority. Okay Just like the monogamous relationships— nobody’s marriage is the same. That’s what you make it, it’s the boundaries you make. It’s your relationship, it’s not nobody else’s relationship. I gotta high five you on that one! Took the church right there! “I am in love” [Producer] Why did you hesitate before coming in? [laughs] Because, I had to think about how I’m answering that question. I was thinking about someone… outside of myself. And… it occurred to me that I can answer this question in a different way— And that’s been a very big theme in my life. The last few years, coming out of a divorce in a monogamous marriage, um, 20 years of monogamous relationships, and And the theme of my life for— for myself right now is finding love with myself, and being in love with myself. I feel like throughout my relationships, I have found a lot of love for myself. Like all of the girls that I have dated and my girlfriend now, currently, like— have all taught me so many things. I feel like that’s one of the main things in that relationship— like you love someone so much and then you learn from them, and they learn from you, and you guys grow together. It was just like, a beautiful thing? My name is Alevtina, but I go by “Alia” and, honestly as a person— I don’t think I would be able to give someone what they want and what they need in a relationship if I had more than one partner. I’ve been married for two years, and, um— But I’ve been with my wife for over eight years, and she was my only girlfriend, so— Uh, it’s about is monogamous as it gets. Yeah, but very much still in love. Um, yeah, I love her more every day. In a weird way, my relationship… it allowed me to love myself more. When I was with someone who totally accepted all parts of me— who was like, “Be that, it’s beautiful!” “It’s sexy!”— It allowed me to love myself more and that’s, I think, the beauty of open [relationships] for me. Is it’s complete acceptance for me, and my decisions. There is no, “Well you can’t do this,” or “Well your urges are bad,” or “This is bad about you.” It’s “Be who you want to be, let’s talk about it.” I actually read about uh… polyamory, like when I was in my early 20’s. I remember reading about it and I’m like, “This sounds so..” like, something about it was— something that resonated with me I just didn’t realize it was that much of an option. I didn’t see much of a model in society. I thought well, “Even if I want that how would I find someone else who’s into the same things I am?” And in the last couple years I’ve been really just saying like, “I need to explore this— I need to find community.” I’m not someone who says “I don’t believe in monogamy.” As a matter of fact, having a chance to really explore both… sides has given me an understanding, an appreciation for both and also understanding the limitations of both for myself. “There is a good reason why most people are monogamous.” I don’t know, like are you not jealous? Because I feel like that’s the main reason why I wouldn’t be able to do that. Because I don’t want to share my partner at all. Yeah, I don’t share— it’s like I am with you, and you’re with me And you know we’re together and we’re growing and if you don’t want me anymore And you want to go explore other things go and explore them, but on your own You know I think that’s crazy. Just because in every other area in our life you have to control jealousy jealousy is not a Attribute to be proud of to say I’m a jealous person like if you’re at work You can’t be a jealous person function well at the office you can’t function well in your family or With your friends as a jealous person, and so why in this one area of your life Do you say this is where I get to be the person that I can’t be anywhere else? The idea of jealousy of I’m afraid because I’ve put so much it’s kind of like the slot-machine approach I’ve sat at this machine. I put in so many quarters I want to you know get reap the benefits, but if this is someone that you love Does that extend to that if he said this is someone that I think might be a better fit? If my husband said I found a different person that I want to be with and she’s fulfilling a need that you Don’t or can’t then I’d be like okay. Go be happy with her like it’s not natural for me to be like okay Let’s the three of us work this out and to me that jealousy is just rooted in the fact that you’re completely intimate you’ve made a commitment to each other and This is the person that is basically like your second half having that jealousy for your significant other is beautiful and in a way I think monogamy is a practical choice because it’s Safer sexually one – it’s probably a lot simpler, and it’s it’s prepackaged I mean it’s like here’s a set of rules that has been created for you hundreds of years ago Here’s what love looks like and if that feels comfortable for you. It’s easy but Monogamy isn’t easy you know monogamy is hard like being with someone and being with them for 10 15 50 years It’s very hard you have to find ways to love your partner for Truly who they are all the good and all the bad And you don’t have someone else to turn to when you want something new you have to find it in your relationship You have to find a way to spice things up you have to find a way of making Conversation where you know everything about each other? Why don’t we have one friend? Why not just one friend why do you need multiple friends at all I mean most of us probably have 10 friends 20 friends 5,000 Facebook friends why why not just have one Facebook friend because You don’t build such a strong connection with? A friend you build a strong connection with a partner because a partner gets to know everything and every single thing will be because There’s different levels of friendship but Like when you’re in the relationship with someone you explore so many more things in so many different facets of your day because at some point you will move in together and You know you’ll see what everyone does like day to night, and you’ll get to know everything about them You don’t really get that with one friend I do have like a best friend, right But the reason he’s my best friend is because he’s different than every other friend I have and if I have something really really serious really really important I’m going to him first, but you still have other friends sure and I equate that to What she was saying earlier about having a primary partner for example? You know you could have a primary partner that you have intimacy that you live with you have sex with and you may have Like let’s let’s equate that to your best friend, and then there could be someone else that you hang out And you play baseball with you do other activities with you know and I could have another person we make music together and we do things and yeah when we have sex once in a while – It’s interesting that you know I think from the traditional model the fact that I would have any physical Connection with this other person is what distinguishes it as a issue If my partner wanted me to I would consider going to the other side Oh I was monogamous for a lot of my life, and that was For you know the reasons that were felt authentic to me at the time, and I’ve been Non-monogamous for some time now, which has been authentic for me for this time and I think that for me the important thing is always keeping an open mind and Realizing that life is constantly evolving I think one of the things I Disliked about monogamy when I was in monogamous relationship is all of the you need to or you should or That we have a pre-arranged agreement of what loving each other means And if you don’t obey that it’s over and I wanted to give my partner a true open Experience and so if I’m gonna say to you it can’t be monogamous well How is it really open because there is a condition on there of like well? This is the only way? This is going to work, so it’s always open to me means open for discussion Can I jump in and what you said about like loving and you know fully accepting someone I just know that I as a person wouldn’t be able to be in the polyamorous relationship and keep myself happy so if my partner were to suggest I would say you know, I don’t think I’m capable of doing that and I would still love them I would support them. I would want to be friends with them I would want them to be as happy as they can be even if that doesn’t involve me in their life I think what the strength that non-monogamy has over monogamy is that we’re saying who are you who am I? Let’s figure out something that makes sense for us versus this is what I was told love is let’s try and do that thing I don’t feel like I live that way because someone told me to I just Don’t have the want To add other people and if you if you don’t have that desire yes, authentic to you yeah And I think that so many people on this earth have the desire and they think they don’t have the option My name is Jasmine. I actually married my very first boyfriend. We just eloped and we got married about two years ago we’ve been together ever since a Good sex life is necessary for a good relationship If sex dies from the relationship and your love and lust for each other kind of dies Then you might be better off as friends and partners as friends Sex is so much more than just physical that it makes a big impact in How I feel in my relationship if I don’t have sex I’m gonna feel like Disconnected like there’s something off in our relationship ultimately. I mean I talk about sex for a living It’s a big part of my life It’s a big part of my reset if I’m gonna have a sex would you undo it myself like I really enjoy it orgasm has Ridiculous amounts of health benefits, and it just feels great, so I love the physicality of it But I also think that every person should like really define one of the top five things you have to have in a Relationship and for a lot of people sex doesn’t hit that top five and if it doesn’t that’s okay You know you can still make a relationship work without sex being a priority, but if you’re someone like myself you can’t I’m in the same boat with you like I’ve always been a very like sexually driven person An explorative person and and all pretty much all the monogamous relationships I was in I had never found someone that would say matched my kink so having a partner That’s like really on the same page with me as Explorative and open as I am is really like Pretty much at like the top one or two things that I would say in a relationship for me Success and everything in life If the sexual tension is there awesome But what happens up to the sex and the sexual tensions is gone like Was that it was just sex the sexual tension dies out it is kind of it can But that’s the whole point of like where people have to rekindle it and they have to try new things and they have to See what works to make the spark come up again because after we spend so much time with someone and you know them so well It can get lost, but it’s a continuous effort of trying to make your sex life The best that can be even an anonymous relationship you still have to do that like I don’t think it’s healthy to like you to run out and look for other things just because My primary relationship is like not working like it’s still me you know that’s that Relationship still needs work every relationship needs work. I think Like sex is important. I mean I could just think of all the things that sometimes like sex can just cure your relationship And I don’t know what it’s like to you know have a terrible sex life, so I guess take this with a grain of salt But you know I don’t think I think about the amount of time you spend with your Partner right compare that to the amount of time you have sex with them. I think a Lot a lot more happens Besides sex and a relationship is I mean it’s like how much fun you have like the intimacy you share conversations Everything right you know making sex not just about sex like it’s about connecting to people so it’s there’s someone right so I think it’ll feel like it’s a Space it’s a really amazing space to like to explore that connection in the closest physical way you possibly can I feel like if sex was your first like priority. You wouldn’t really be in relationships You would be finding sexual partners that fit you, but you wouldn’t really care about anything else So I feel like sex plays a big role but also we’re You know we’re puzzles like we have so many pieces and we have so many needs and so many things that we want to fulfill But sex I think is pretty important for most people I’ve been a track to other people while in a relationship. Oh Well good for you, okay? I Feel like I’ve found people pretty Nothing to a point where I would even consider acting on it I don’t think you can only be attracted to one person. I feel like that’s really unrealistic I think it’s crazy thing to deny that because I mean I think of every species existence as survival and procreation So it’s a think that you can shut off that entire part of yourself not you just I think action is one thing because people Have successfully done that but in terms of feeling or seeing some one else as attractive. That’s crazy. Well apparently there is one person that can say that in this conversation Well I’m sure he like took the question a different way I just I can’t wrap my head I think it’s totally possible like we can all be wired a little bit differently like we’re all on a different point in the scale And I think our life experience also shapes us to a degree as to where on that scale we are Know it so I know I’m gonna sound crazy and I know it’s like it’s something that I always have disagreements with with my friends and I think it is a little bit of what you said you know being wired differently In the beginning when I first started dating my wife I was giddy giddy like in love that like there was just this giant bubble around a relationship But then as we as we matured in our relationship. We got married What what I felt uncomfortable with is looking at other women like it actually made me feel Uncomfortable so the same way that I trained myself to like if you want to call it suppress or whatever other other feelings and impulses I have I do the same here, so Whenever I see a girl like yeah I’m gonna walk down the street and I’ll turn my head or whatever and there will be a girl wearing almost nothing or whatever my What I’ve like built-in is literally an instinct to just look away and not think any further What I think what’s weird to me is like the conversations. I have with other people will they’ll look at someone of the opposite sex find them attractive and keep going and like mentally they’re having sex with like all these weird things and That’s like, “I’m really uncomfortable for me” You’re not saying like oh I was born only Thinking this one person is attractive “right” you’re saying you trained yourself to be that way “pretty much” okay, that makes a lot more sense to me Would feel incomplete without my partner Honestly if I didn’t never met my partner I wouldn’t be the person I am today In the past year of dating my girlfriend I have become so different and I have learned so many things and they have started taking care of myself so much more than that was a year before I met her and I feel like that has so much to do with her, and how she helped me navigate this I had a really unsafe home life, and me and my husband got to know each other in the 6th grades We were 12 I moved out when I was 18 me and him like we had nothing We somehow made our way over to LA like. I honestly don’t think I’d be here like if it wasn’t for him oh Man I was married for some time so my whole journey the last two and a half years has been to feel complete by myself and There are times like I really do desire partnership. I do desire a primary partnership, but I really think it’s so important to To be okay, just being as I am when the words Incomplete. I’m like no. I don’t connect with that. I connect with I’d feel sad I’d feel hurt. I would feel Disadvantaged maybe even, but I’m still going to be me and I totally understand that we’re coming from different places And how we developed our relationship my idea of a relationship is one plus one equals three One complete person plus one complete person equals a completely separate third I was gonna do this one, but a completely separate third relationship, and this would be incomplete ofcourse if we left But the ones would still stand still and be strong All right guys, thank you so much Hey guys my name is Dan, thank you so much for watching middle ground We love having these kinds of discussions And we love to have you guys Chime in on what you guys thought about this episode and what you would like us to do in future episodes So if you like us subscribe here and can watch more stuff here. Thank you

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