Cheer Nationals Part 2 | MPGIS S2 | Episode 16

Good morning, ladies. Howdy! Hola papi. Sprichen Sie sex? Ugh, gross! Girls, ugh, oh, disgusting, my
stomach, oh god it’s hurting, oh what about you, Tanner? Jonathan, shut the fuck up. Oh man, is anyone else here jonesing for some
dick? I’ve got like some major dick cravings right now. Uh, listen, Jonathan, while we all commend
your recent decision, I think it’s time we all had a conversation about appropriateness. Oh, I get it, you don’t understand me. Look,
Matt, you don’t what it’s like to be different! First of all, nobody except my grandmama calls
me Matt. Second, I’m a black man with no penis or testicles living in a wealthy Midwestern
suburb. Different is the only thing I do understand! Hey man, you know, if you ever want to talk
about that I’m always here- Nah, it’s just this motherfucker right here
pissing me off! Man, fucking breeders am I right? Whoopsie. So, wait, do you know what’s going on here? Well, as far as I can tell the bitchy blonde
one can’t curse because we’re filming her for a TV show. What? The squeaky black haired one is losing her
hair because of stress. That would explain the Vin Diesel joke. I think the head judge woman is having a nervous
breakdown. How hard is it to understand the difference
between fucking hazelnut and motherfucking caramel? How hard Angie? How fucking hard?! Well, you know you actually- It was a rhetorical question you stupid little
pube. Wow. And apparently because the little blue haired
cheerleader betrayed you guys, the robot girl… well actually, I have no idea what she has
to do with any of this. Ok, well, that didn’t really help at all,
but um, do you wanna just go, like, make out for a little bit or something? Uh, yeah, that’d be great! Let me go put this
camera over here and then maybe we can- Hey dipshit, aren’t you supposed to be filming
this? Oh, right, sorry. Oh, right, sorry. My foot your ass! Um, Deandra why are you here? I’m here to help you guys! Who said we needed any effing help? Effing? Really? What did you suddenly adopt
the vocabulary of Bob the Builder? Brittnay can’t curse because she’s on a TV
show. And Mackenzie can’t curse because the stress
is causing her hair to fall out. So you mean you can’t say fuck? No. What about shit? Nope. Dick? Uh-uh. Cunt? No. Bitch? No. Little cunty bitch? No and no. What about twat-snatcher? Who would ever even say that? I’ve been workshopping it. Wait, Deandra, if you didn’t know all of this,
then how did you know to come here. Several weeks ago, I threw what I believed
to be a tiny flasher into a fountain at Oak Park Mall. It turned out that flasher was
not a flasher at all, but rather a small member of the Overland Park Cheer Squad, whom I remembered
seeing just a few days earlier at an event that I can only describe as PiePocalypse 2013. What are you talking about? That girl that betrayed you- I saw her talking
to you and then I saw her talking to Tanya Berkowitz. So I put 3 and 7 together and well,
now I’m here. So how are you going to help us? You need a sixth member, right? Well, now
you’ve got one. Um, problem. Deandra, you’re not a cheerleader. Not anymore I’m not. Not since PoopPocalypse
2011. Ok, must you name every event that you’re
involved in a type of pocalypse? Yes, ever since NamePocalypse 2008. Moving on. What are you talking about Deandra?
When were you a cheerleader? I wasn’t just any cheerleader. I was the back
handspring specialist and head cheerleader of the Atchison High Lady Jaguars. What about Tanya Berkowitz? Tanya Berkowitz was nothing more than a junior
varsity bimbo who could barely do a somersault. Then I took her under my wing. Taught her
everything that she knows. Watched her work her way all the way up to middle left of the
pyramid. Life was good. Then one day, it all changed. I had been battling a chronic case
of IBS and before the big homecoming game, I had eaten three chili dogs and washed them
down with a Mountain Dew. Code Red. Code Red Mountain Dew. It was pretty popular back then.
Some might argue that its popularity usurped that of Regular Mountain Dew. I would argue
the former but- Okay okay. We get it! Get back to the story! Everything would have been fine, but just
before halftime, Tanya Berkowitz handed me a package of Pop Rocks. I was in a hurry,
so I swallowed them super fast, allowing most of the Rocks to enter my digestive system
unpopped. Halfway through the cheer, we formed a pyramid. Me on top of course. As I gazed
out over my kingdom of popularity, the Mountain Dew and corn dogs coalesced with the pastrami
quesadilla I had for lunch somewhere in my lower intestine. Ignited by the pop rocks,
I had what we in the IBS community call a whoopsie poopsie. Oh my god, you pooped your pants. Yes, I pooped my pants. And then I pooped
outside of my pants. And then I pooped on my cheer squad. And then I pooped on everything
within a 30 foot radius. Then I pooped on the city- Oh, oh my god please stop, I’m gonna be sick. When you pressure-blast Mountain Dew out of
your anus it’s not easily forgotten! After that, I was ruined. I wasn’t just the girl
who pooped her pants. I was the girl who monster dumped on two prom court members, a candy
cane princess and the junior class treasurer. I had to leave. I had to reinvent myself.
So I came to Overland Park. Where my first order of business was to always find a bathroom
to poop in. And that is where I met you Mackenzie Zales, oh so long ago. Wow. I’m still not really sure why you told us
that story. Because I’m tired of running from my past,
handjob girl! Tired of lying about who I am. I’m not gonna let the Tanya Berkowitzes of
the world push me around anymore! She ruined my life once. It’s not gonna happen again. Well, I mean, she wasn’t really to blame- Who the fuck carries Pop Rocks around in high
school, girl that I don’t know? She knew what she was doing! Tanya Berkowitz is going down! Oh am I? Deandra, I didn’t realize there was
a Full Metal Alchemist convention in town. Oh funny, I’ve never heard that one before.
Ever. I know you’re not here to help the Overland
Park Cheer Squad. After all, it would be a shame if everyone
found out your little secret. Well actually we just heard the whole story. Corn dogs, pop rocks, she pooped all over
you guys and you forced her into exile. But how? I told them. So I guess we’re at… eat a
dick? Yeah, I don’t know, some people find it annoying
if I gasp too much. Me too! OMG are you okay? OMG I’m okay. Oh, I guess we’re doing this now. Oh, yeah. Well, Tanya, it looks like your little plan
to ruin our chances has failed. Don’t be so sure, Mackenzie. You may have
found a sixth member, but we’re going on next. And don’t be surprised if our routine looks
a little familiar. Uh yeah, I uh, I taught them your whole routine
and now we’re gonna do it. The routine. They get that, Ashley. Only head cheerleaders
are supposed to be talking right now. So go over there and stand with the rest of the
miscellaneous squad members. I’m sorry, girls, which one of you is Tanya
Berkowitz? Oh that would be me, Miss Halverstad. Pleased
to meet your acquaintance. Charmed. I’m here to inform you that your
squad is up next. I understand you have quite the routine prepared. Oh well, all I can say is that it is a true
original! I’m looking forward to it. Girls, have any
of you seen my fellow judge, Bert Hickey? He seems to have gone missing at a most inopportune
moment. Of course not. Tanya, have your squad ready
in two minutes. Angie! Go find Bert for me. And when you find him, tell him if he ever
goes MIA again, I’ll be carrying his testicles around in my vintage Chanel clutch for the
rest of his natural born life. Got it? Yes, ma’am. Good luck ladies! Well, Mackenzie, it was fun while it lasted.
But if you’ll excuse us, I think I hear a national championship calling my name. C’mon
girls! And we’re back to being screwed! Maybe not! Really, Mega Man? Because they just stole
our entire cheer routine! The tumbling. The choreography. Even the pyramid. Well, maybe we lose the pyramid. Lose the pyramid? Lose the big finale of the
entire routine? And what do you suggest we do Deandra? Because as far as I can tell the
only talents you have are eating junk food and then pooping said junk food back out in
the most violent of manners. That may be true. But I do have one other
talent that may be of use.

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