Civil Protection: Aliens (part 2)


MIKE: You guys just don’t get it. DAVE: You’re just thinking
about it too much. MIKE: Oh, and what are YOU
thinking about, Socrates? DAVE: Well, now you’ve got me
thinking about the Combine. MIKE: Yeah, and how they need a
better name, right? DAVE: No. I mean, if we should
really be working for them. MIKE: I don’t see why not. If
you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Besides, with our job skills, what’s
the alternative? Garbage collector? DAVE: Well, we could
always join the rebels. MIKE: Oh, please! The rebels are idiots. DAVE: What makes you say that? MIKE: Because they’re
all heart and no brain. If you look at the big picture, they may as well be fighting the
aliens with Nerf ball guns. DAVE: Oh, it can’t be that bad. They wouldn’t be fighting if
they didn’t think they had a chance. MIKE: I understand where
they’re coming from. Nobody’s holding hands and singing “Joy
to the World” since the aliens showed up and kicked our ass, but let’s
look at the facts: the aliens conquered us in a
matter of hours! The entire planet! Isn’t that what we call the
invasion now? “The Seven Hour War”? You know why? DAVE: Because it lasted sev– MIKE: Because it lasted seven
hours, that’s why! Most people are at work longer than that. That means that in less time than it takes
for Joe Average to clock in and clock out at the office, the aliens
conquered the whole Earth, whereas all Joe did was make
some spreadsheets. MIKE: Well, that’s because they
caught us off-guard. DAVE: Okay, let’s say we were
ready for them. Then what? We’d call it “The Ten Hour War”? They tore into us like a pack of wolves. The rebels just aren’t
doing the math on this. Look, who has more fighters?
The rebels or the aliens? DAVE: The aliens? MIKE: Who has more resources? DAVE: The aliens. MIKE: Who has WAY better technology? DAVE: Yeah, I see your point. Hey, I got a stupid question. MIKE: What’s that? MIKE: What do the Combine
look like, anyway? MIKE: Y’know, I’m not sure either.
That’s how good they are. It’s not like they showed up
themselves to conquer the Earth. No, they were kicking it back at
their homeworld, sipping alien martinis while they sent another alien race they had already conquered to
come conquer us FOR THEM! Now that’s just slick. DAVE: Wow, and now we’re working for them. MIKE: Yep. It’s the pyramid
scheme from hell. So, you still want to join the rebels? DAVE: Maybe not. You’re making
them sound stupid. MIKE: Yeah, well, I think cows are stupid,
too. But does it make them stupid? DAVE: Yeah, wait… what?! MIKE: Forget it. Just think about
things before you go and– DAVE: Hey, check it out. MIKE: What? DAVE: Another pigeon. MIKE: Sweet. It’s my turn, isn’t it? DAVE: Yeah, I think so. MIKE: You see anybody coming? DAVE: Nah, I think you’re good. MIKE: Okay, pigeon. You’re mine! Ready… Aim… DAVE: OH MY GOD, LOOK OUT! MIKE: (screams) You ASS! DAVE: Ha ha. You suck. Here, let me show you how it’s done. MIKE: Damn! How’d you get to be such a good shot? DAVE: Just lots of time down at the range. I find it’s easier when you tape
people’s faces over the targets. Hell, I even used yours a couple times. I usually blow out the face of
the target, though, so, I just bring them home and
draw smiley faces in the gaps and use it to decorate my apartment. [thumping sounds] MIKE: Thanks for sharing that, Dave. It’s good to know you’re not
psycho or anything. DAVE: Pew. Pewpewpewpewpew! [thumping sounds] MIKE: Hey, can you hear that? DAVE: Yeah, that’s me, silly. MIKE: No, that deeper sound. [thumping sounds] [strider calls] MIKE: I, uh, think we’ve got a problem. DAVE: What do you think it wants? MIKE: I… don’t know. Why is it just staring at us? DAVE: I don’t know either. Heh heh, hey, I dare you to shoot it. MIKE: No, I’m not going to shoot it! DAVE: Chicken! Bok-bok-bok-bok… bkaw! [strider roars] MIKE: Hey, Dave, here’s a better idea: how about YOU shoot it and I’ll
run away and hide? DAVE: Bok-kaw! MIKE: Maybe we shouldn’t
have shot the pigeon. DAVE: Excuse me, I shot the pigeon! You shot up the windows over
there, you lunatic. MIKE: I wouldn’t if you hadn’t scared me! DAVE: Oh, quit complaining. This
thing is probably going to kill you anyway. MIKE: Hey, if it kills me, it’s
going to kill you, too. I don’t know why you sound
so calm about this. DAVE: Of course it won’t. Big
alien… robot… things… love me! I mean, look at him, he’s just
a big friendly guy. MIKE: Dave, this isn’t a stray dog. DAVE: I shall call you Simba. [Dave whistles the 5 pipe tones
from Close Encounters of the Third Kind] MIKE: What’s that? DAVE: An alien greeting. MIKE: Wait… no, it’s not! That’s from a movie. That’s not going to help us! DAVE: Of course it will! Simba
understands what I’m saying. Isn’t that right, Simba? Watch. [Dave whistles the 5 pipe tones
from Close Encounters of the Third Kind] MIKE: All right, I’m going to
start walking away slowly. If you want to do your snake-charming
routine there, knock yourself out. Okay, maybe not. [Dave whistles the first 3 pipe tones
from Close Encounters of the Third Kind] [strider finishes the last 2 pipe tones]
DAVE: Ah-hah! MIKE: Hey, look out! IT’S GONNA– WAAAAAAAHHHH! DAVE: Oops. Mike! You okay?! Now, that wasn’t very nice. Bad Simba! [strider whines] DAVE: Mike?! MIKE: Dave! DAVE: Yeah? MIKE: You’re dead!
…as soon as I can walk again. [strider whistles the last 2 pipe tones] DAVE: Quiet, Simba. [Subtitles by danielsangeo]

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