Civil Protection: Oil’s Well

Civil Protection: Oil’s Well


[Subtitles by danielsangeo] DAVE: Hey Mike. What’s up? MIKE: Oh hey, Dave. DAVE: What are you doing? MIKE: Well, I was just
sitting here, thinking. DAVE: About what? MIKE: Just how different things are now. DAVE: Yeah, you’re telling me. Man, if I could go back in time, do you
know how rich I’d be right now? MIKE: Well, I meant problems
society had in general. I was thinking of oil in particular. DAVE: Oh yeah. That was a real
time bomb waiting to go off, huh? MIKE: Yeah. I was watching a
special about it on TV last night and it was a real eye-opener. DAVE: Better than me. I fell asleep
watching some game show in Spanish. MIKE: Well, I was surprised
about everything it was saying. Like how, during the 20th-century, we basically drained all the
largest oil deposits around the globe except for Siberia and the
Middle East, and even then, there were many indications that the
global oil supply was getting ready to peak. Our discovery of new oil fields had actually been declining slowly
ever since the ’60s. The new deposits we were finding
were worth billions of barrels but that wouldn’t have lasted our
consumption rate for more than a few months. The United States alone had been sucking
down more than 20 billion barrels annually. DAVE: Breathe deep! MIKE: We were scrambling. We were already desperate
enough to turn to tar sands, which was a more wasteful way
of extracting the oil. We were even look at oil-shale deposits which took more energy to extract
than we got back from the oil itself. It’s like trying to put out a fire
by burning down another building. DAVE: We should’ve just burned
it all. Burn everything. MIKE: Plus, on top of the US and Europe, DAVE: Burn…
MIKE: China and India were just starting to come online which only escalated the problem. DAVE: Burn… MIKE: All of modern society was
dependent on cheap oil and we were content to drive it
off a cliff when it ran out. The average person wasn’t even
aware there was a problem. It wasn’t going to be until they
could no longer afford to drive to work, shop at stores or buy groceries. Good luck trying to maintain
peace and order then. We could’ve been facing
practical anarchy and famine wars. Civilization might’ve reverted
to how the Amish lived. Except everyone would’ve had
guns and been trying to kill each other. DAVE: I never really thought of
the Amish that way. MIKE: It’s incredible. We had
almost no backup plan in place at all. I mean, we saw this coming miles away, but most of our political
leaders were jerking around, pursuing impractical options if
not ignoring the problem entirely. We already had enormous energy
and transportation needs. Alternatives like hydrogen cars
and a fuel-cell infrastructure were still just a pipe dream. Conventional ethanol production wasn’t
practical on the scale that we needed it, and even accelerated the
impending hunger problem. I guess it seems obvious now, but the most sane solution would’ve
been a massive shift to electric vehicles and widespread adoption of power
plants based on renewable energy to help pick up the slack. Plus, that wouldn’t have
hurt our air quality any. But, no, that would’ve made sense. Can’t have that. Hell, we almost had it coming. DAVE: Bad monkey! MIKE: Yep, it was looking pretty bad. But then… aliens from outer space showed
up and started attacking the Earth. They decimated our defenses in a
matter of hours, forcing us to surrender, and the aftermath left us with
over 80% of the population dead, and the rest of humanity
conquered on its own planet. And suddenly it’s like, boom!
Problem solved. DAVE: I’ll give you that. Killing off 5 billion people did wonders for
solving most of our social problems. MIKE: It sure did! Now
there are no politics. You either do what the
government says or you die. And, what do you know? Now most
our energy is renewable, there’s enough food for everyone, and
crime is at its lowest in recorded history. It’s a total U-turn. DAVE: And don’t forget about
pollution or global warming. We now have air quality comparable to
before the Industrial Revolution! Remember: your decomposing corpse puts out
less greenhouse gases than your hybrid car! MIKE: Heh heh heh.
DAVE: I think. MIKE: Yeah, good thing we don’t have to
worry about any of that stuff any more. DAVE: Yep. It still kind of bites being
ruled by aliens, though. MIKE: Eh, it’s not so bad. As long as they keep signing my
paychecks, that’s all I care about. DAVE: Well, how about knowing that most
of the people you ever knew in your life are all dead now? MIKE: Nah, they all sucked anyway. Hey, uh, what’s with the machine gun? DAVE: Oh, I was going to
try fishing with it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *