Ending Birthright Citizenship? Goodbye Rubio, Jindal,…


MOST OF THE REPUBLICAN
CANDIDATES FOR THE PRESIDENCY BELIEVE THAT. BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP SHOULD
BE TAKEN AWAY. LET’S BRIEFLY IMAGINE A WORLD
IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT HAD BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP. WHICH GREAT AMERICANS WOULD WE
LOSE IN THE HYPOTHETICAL WORLD? HERE ARE FIVE SUGGESTIONS. THE
FIRST, MARTIAL ARTIST BRUCE LEE. I KNOW IT’S EASY TO IMAGINE THAT
TAKING AWAY BRUCE WILL JUST GET RID OF A BUNCH OF KIDS IN A
NEIGHBORHOOD YOU NEVER GO INTO. THESE DAYS THE CHINESE ARE
ALMOST THE MAJORITY. IT’S A HUGE NUMBER. IT’S EASY TO SAY THE HISPANIC
ISSUE, BUT IT’S NOT. ACTRESS DIANE GUERRERO,
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. THAT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST
PHOTOGRAPHS EVER TAKEN. SHE WOULD NOT BE A CITIZEN EITHER. SORRY, REPUBLICANS. SHE’S PRETTY. NEXT, ATTORNEY GENERAL
ALBERTO GONZALES. I LOVE THIS ONE BECAUSE HE
SAYS THAT HE CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE HIS PARENTS CAME FROM. I HAD A HORRIBLE MEMORY, AND
SO DOES MY FATHER, THAT’S WHY I KNEW I WOULD BE A GOOD
ATTORNEY GENERAL. SO HE SAYS THEY MIGHT HAVE
COME HERE ILLEGALLY OR NOT. NONE OF US CAN REMEMBER.
IT WILL NOW BE IRRELEVANT BECAUSE ALBERTO
GONZALES’S GRANDPARENTS CAME HERE ILLEGALLY. TO
THINK GUYS LIKE ALBERTO
GONZALES FEEL THAT ñ FEEL ANYTHING AT THIS POINT? IS IT NO MORE THAN THAT, OR
DOES HE WINCE A LITTLE? I KNOW HE WAS BUSH’S ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND I KNOW HE IS A BAD GUY. WE HAVE COVERED ALL THE TERRIBLE
THINGS THAT HE HAS DONE. BUT I THINK HE THINKS, OH,
SENDING THEM ALL BACK TO MEXICO, REALLY? ONCE YOU TOUCH PEOPLE’S
IDENTITY, THAT’S WHAT HURTS. THAT’S WHEN YOU HIT BONE. WHAT IF HIS IDENTITY IS HATEFUL? I THINK THAT’S CERTAINLY PART
OF IT, BUT I THINK AT SOME POINT HE REALIZES OH,
SHIT, THEY MEANT ME. LIKE ALL THESE UNCLE TOMS, THEY
BOW THEIR HEADS AND SAY YES, AND THEN THEY SAY,
YOU SCHMUCK, WE MEANT YOU. AND THEN THEY GO, SHIT.
BUT WE’RE NOT DONE YET. HERE COMES THE BEST PART. THERE IS ANOTHER POLITICIAN.
OH, I’VE SEEN HIM ON TV RECENTLY. HE WOULDN’T BE A CITIZEN. THAT’S WEIRD. TED CRUZ WANTS TO KICK HIM OUT
OF THE COUNTRY FOR TRYING TO BECOME PRESIDENT. YOU ARE LOOKING AT MARCO
RUBIO THERE, ONE OF THE LEADING COMPETITORS ON THE
CONSERVATIVE SIDE. SENATOR RUBIO WAS
BORN IN THE U.S.. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HIS
PARENTS WERE NOT CITIZENS YET, MAKING HIM IN ANCHOR BABY. NOW HE SAYS HE WOULD NOT
REPEAL THE 14TH AMENDMENT, BUT HE WOULD BE OPEN
TO EXPLORING WAYS OF NOT ALLOWING PEOPLE WHO ARE COMING
HERE DELIBERATELY FOR THAT PURPOSE TO REQUIRE CITIZENSHIP. WHATEVER THAT MEANS. AND WHY DID YOUR PARENTS COME
HERE FROM CUBA? I DON’T KNOW, RIGHT?
I’M SURE THEY CAME HERE FOR ñ THEY CAME HERE FOR THE MANY
DIFFERENT DELICIOUS FLAVORS OF RICE-A-RONI. SARAH PALIN WAS THE VICE
PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
IN THAT PARTY. BUT THE REASON I GUESS I
DISAGREE WITH YOU ABOUT RUBIO A LITTLE IS BECAUSE YOU
LOOK AT THOSE POLLS OUT TODAY, AND HE IS DOING BETTER THAN ANY
OF THEM AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON. HE STILL DOES BETTER. IF THEY CAN GET TO THE POINT
WHERE HE WAS A CANDIDATE, ñ IS GOING TO BE HARD. IN PART BECAUSE HE IS
ONLY PRETTY CRAZY. HE WOULD NOT REPEAL THE 14TH AMENDMENT, HOWEVER
BOBBY JINDAL WOULD. BUT DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT LETS
GO TO THE NEXT PERSON WHO WOULD NOT BE A CITIZEN. OH, BOBBY JINDAL. HE WOULD GET RID OF
BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP. I MEAN BOBBY, THE MAN WITH
THE WHITE PORTRAIT IN HIS OFFICE. I SAID BOBBY, YOU THINK THEY ARE
NOT GOING TO COME FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY? ONE WEEK
LATER, YOU ARE ON THE LIST MOTHER FUCKER. HE WAS BORN HERE, NOW HIS
PARENTS WHO WERE NOT CITIZENS- YOUR MOM IS NOT A CITIZEN, YOUR
DAD IS NOT, YOU WERE BORN HERE, YOU ARE A FUCKING
ANCHOR BABY. SO, BYE-BYE. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO THINK YOU
ARE RESTED AND TANNED. IS THAT REAL? THAT IS HIS SLOGAN. ISN’T THAT THE SADDEST
THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD? THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE. AND IN THAT NOTHING
ABOUT HIS WAIST. IT’S A TINY WAIST. GUESS WHAT, BOBBY? YOUR PAPERS DON’T SAY YOUR TAN,
YOUR PAPER SAYS YOU WERE NOT A CITIZEN WHEN YOU WERE BORN. DOESN’T THAT PICTURE OF MARCO
RUBIO ñ IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS JUST WAITING TO COMMIT AN
ASSAULT AT A FRAT PARTY. THE WIDE SHOT PICTURE.
LADIES, STAY AWAY FROM THAT GUY. HE’S LIKE, LOOK AT
WHAT SHE IS WEARING. SO, NOW LET’S THINK ABOUT
WHERE THIS LEAVES US. IF YOU GO BACK FAR ENOUGH AND
START REVOKING CITIZENSHIP OF EVERYONE WHOSE PARENTS WERE
NOT CITIZENS BUT WERE BORN HERE IN THE UNITED
STATES AT THE TIME, YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO KEEP
GOING BACK AND REVOKE ALMOST EVERYONE’S CITIZENSHIP. BECAUSE WHEN THEY CAME OVER ON
THE SANTA MARIA, THE NINA, AND THE PINTA, THEY WERE
ALL UNDOCUMENTED. WHEN COLUMBUS CAME HERE
HE WAS UNDOCUMENTED. PLYMOUTH ROCK, UNDOCUMENTED. ALL
OF YOU GUYS, YOU ARE ALL GONERS. THE FACT THAT YOU WERE BORN
HERE IS IRRELEVANT. WHO ARE THE ONLY ONES TO REMAIN? FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE LOOKING
AT ONE OF THE SURVIVORS. BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH A
LEGAL PROCESS AND I BECAME NATURALIZED. I WAS LUCKY THAT I
WASN’T BORN HERE. I WILL REMAIN. MOST OF YOU WILL BE KICKED
OUT, BUT I WILL REMAIN. EVEN CONSERVATIVES SAY THE 14TH
AMENDMENT APPLIES TO SLAVES. THEY SAY DOESN’T APPLY TO
ANYONE ELSE, ONLY SLAVES. SO, AFRICAN-AMERICANS GET TO
STAY BECAUSE THE 14TH AMENDMENT SPECIFICALLY APPLIES
TO BLACKS. WHO ELSE GETS TO STAY? NATIVE AMERICANS OBVIOUSLY. I THINK CONSERVATIVES
AGREE WITH THAT. SO THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WOULD
REMAIN ARE NATIVE AMERICANS, BLACKS, AND LEGALIZED
NATURALIZED CITIZENS. EVERYONE ELSE, PACK YOUR BAGS. JOIN BOBBY AND MARCO AND DON’T
LET THE DOOR HIT YOU OR THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU.

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