Finally, Stephen’s Tolkien Geekdom Pays Off

Finally, Stephen’s Tolkien Geekdom Pays Off


YOU KNOW, I HOPE I DON’T HAVE TO
REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE ALL LUCKY TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY. I REALLY DO LOVE EVERYTHING
ABOUT AMERICA: HOT DOGS. APPLE PIE. BASEBALL– MAYBE NOT BASEBALL. IT’S LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW
WITH PEOPLE IN THE WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I WILL SAY ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA IS
MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO MAKE FUN OF THE POWERFUL:
SENATORS, PRESIDENTS, BRANDS THAT DON’T ADVERTISE ON MY SHOW. SLEEP LIGHTLY, OLD EL PASO
TACO SEASONINGS YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY TO NOT
GIVE MONEY TO. BUT NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS
THAT FREEDOM. TAKE TURKEY WHERE, RIGHT NOW… ( LAUGHTER )
NOW JUST TO BE CLEAR, ERDOGAN IS NOT A NAME FROM “LORD OF THE
RINGS.” I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE ERDOGAN
COULD BE ARAGORN’S DAD, BUT THAT’S OBVIOUSLY ARATHORN. NOW, THE WHOLE THING STARTED
WHEN DOCTOR BILGIN CIFTCI– AGAIN, NOT A HOBBIT NAME-
( LAUGHTER ) POSTED THESE SIDE-BY-SIDE
COMPARISONS OF ERDOGAN AND GOLLUM ON FACEBOOK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PRETTY GOOD. PRETTY GOOD. , OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS FABLE,
THAT COULD ALSO BE SOMEBODY’S “REALLY” UGLY BABY. JUST CLICK “LIKE” AND MOVE ON. THEY WON’T KNOW. BECAUSE OF THIS, DOCTOR CIFTCI
WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB AT TURKEY’S PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE
AND IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL BECAUSE… IT IS A PUNISHABLE
CRIME IN TURKEY TO INSULT THE HEAD OF STATE. FOR INSTANCE, IN TURKEY,
LEGALLY, I COULD NOT SAY THAT PRESIDENT ERDOGAN’S
MUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE HIS NOSE IS A TEEPEE FOR A CATERPILLAR. NOW, DOCTOR CIFTCI HAS OFFERED A
FANTASTIC DEFENSE, BUT THE JUDGE IN THIS CASE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO UNDERSTAND IT. AND I WILL LET CNN’S NEWS LADY
OF LOTHLORIEN, CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR, EXPLAIN.>>HE IS NOW TAKING A NOVEL
APPROACH TO HIS LEGAL DEFENSE. HE AND HIS LAWYER ARGUE THAT
GOLLUM IS A HERO, NOT A BAD GUY. THE JUDGE ADMITTED THAT HE HAD
ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM.>>Stephen: COME ON! EVEN IN TURKISH, “I HAVE ONLY
SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM” IS TOTALLY CODE FOR “I HAVE NOT
SEEN ANY OF THE FILM.” SO NOW, THE COURT IS LOOKING FOR
A GOLLUM EXPERT TO DECIDE THIS MAN’S FATE. HMMM. HMMM. WHO DO WE KNOW– WHOM DO WE KNOW
WHO IS AN EXPERT ON ALL THINGS “LORD OF THE RINGS.” FOLKS, WHEN I SPENT MY ENTIRE
TEENAGED YEARS READING ALL OF TOLKIEN– NOT JUST “THE
HOBBIT”, AND “LORD OF THE RINGS.” I’M TALKING “FARMER GILES OF
HAM,” “SMITH OF WOOTTEN MAJOR,” “LEAF BY NIGGLE”, I KNEW I WAS
PREPARING MYSELF FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT. WHY ELSE WOULD I IGNORE ALL MY
CLASSWORK, ABANDON SPORTS, AND ACHIEVE A PALENESS I HAVE
YET TO SHAKE OFF, IF NOT TO ARM MYSELF FOR A MOMENT OF
HEROISM? AND NOW THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED. A MAN’S LIFE HANGS IN THE
BALANCE AND I ALONE AMONG ALL THE EDAIN, AM CAPABLE OF FREEING
HIM, MUCH AS LUTHIEN FREED BEREN FROM THE DUNGEONS OF SAURON. NOW, I’M SO TEMPTED TO TELL THAT
YOU STORY RIGHT NOW. BUT ANYWAY. NOW YOU MAY SAY, “STEPHEN, WHY
YOU? WHY NOT DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
AND SCREENWRITERS FRAN WALSH AND PHILLPA BOYENS, WHO MADE “THE
LORD OF THE RINGS” MOVIES?” SURE, THEY HAVE RELEASED A JOINT
STATEMENT EXONERATING THE DEFENDANT, DECLARING:
IF THE IMAGES ARE, IN FACT, FORMING THE BASIS OF THIS
TURKISH LAWSUIT, WE CAN STATE CATEGORICALLY, NONE OF THEM
FEATURE THE CHARACTER KNOWN AS GOLLUM. ALL OF THEM ARE IMAGES OF THE
CHARACTER CALLED SMEAGOL. I CONCUR. I CONCUR. THERE IS AN IMPORTANT LEGAL
DISTINCTION BETWEEN GOLLUM AND SMEAGOL. SMEAGOL WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL
HOBBIT UNTIL HE WAS CORRUPTED BY THE ONE RING AND BECAME THE
CREATURE KNOWN AS GOLLUM, THE TWO OPERATING AS SPLIT
PERSONALITIES IN ONE BODY. SO, YEAH, THE TURKISH COURT
COULD GO WITH THESE GUYS, IF YOU WANT TO TRUST A MAN’S LIFE TO
THE SECOND-BEST TOLKIEN EXPERTS IN THE WORLD. AND THAT’S NOT ME TALKING. THAT’S PETER JACKSON, WHO SAID
OF ME, QUOTE: I HAVE NEVER MET A BIGGER
TOLKIEN GEEK IN MY LIFE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, FOLKS, I WEAR THAT STATEMENT AS A BADGE OF HONOR. AND AS MY TRAMP STAMP. YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS IN NEW
ZEALAND FILMING “THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG,” WHERE
I STARRED IN THE LEAD ROLE OF “LAKE-TOWN SPY,” I WENT
TOE-TO-TOE IN AN AFTER-HOURS TOLKIEN TRIVIA CONTEST WITH
THE FILM’S RESIDENT TOLKIEN EXPERT. AND I APPARENTLY NEED TO REMIND
EVERYONE, I EMERGED THE ONE TRUE “LORD OF THE RINGS” EXPERT. AND I DON’T BRING THAT UP TO
BRAG. I BRING IT UP TO SERVE JUSTICE–
AND TO BRAG. THEREFORE, I HEREBY VOLUNTEER MY
SERVICES TO EXPLAIN TO THE TURKISH COURT WHY THIS MAN IS
INNOCENT OF A CRIME THAT SHOULDN’T BE ILLEGAL ANYWAY. NOW, I CAN’T SPARE THE TIME TO
ACTUALLY FLY TO TURKEY FOR THE TRIAL. WE HAVE BRUCE WILLIS ON
THURSDAY. ( LAUGHTER )
SO I AM GOING TO SAVE THIS MAN’S LIFE RIGHT HERE IN THE COURTROOM
OF BEING ON TELEVISION. ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
TURKISH GOVERNMENT. THIS CASE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME
TO TRIAL. THE MAN HAS COMMITTED NO CRIME
AT ALL. HE HAS MERELY BROKEN A RIGID AND
TIME-HONORED CODE OF OUR SOCIETY: COMPARING THE
PRESIDENT TO A MURDEROUS FANTASY CHARACTER. BUT THERE IS NOT ONE IOTA OF
EVIDENCE THAT THESE IMAGES SHOW THE VILLAIN KNOWN AS GOLLUM. IN FACT, WHAT WE SEE IS NOTHING
BUT THE PITIFUL FACE OF SMEAGOL, A HUMBLE HOBBIT OF THE
RIVER-FOLK, WHO IS CORRUPTED BY THE ONE RING TO BECOME GOLLUM. THE GOVERNMENT MAKES THE
INCORRECT ASSUMPTION– THE EVIL ASSUMPTION THAT SMEAGOL AND
GOLLUM ARE ONE AND THE SAME. BUT EVEN IF THEY WERE, WE CANNOT
ALLOW THE GOVERNMENT TO PUNISH THIS MAN. THEY WANT TO PUT HIM AWAY. BUT THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS
IMPERISHABLE AS THE FLAME OF ANOR, THAT SECRET FIRE SET AMID
THE VOID, THROUGH WHICH THE WORLD WAS SUNG INTO BEING. AGAIN, I DID NOT HAVE TO LOOK
ANY OF THIS UP. IT IS FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER OF
“THE SILMARILLION,” MY FAVORITE BOOK, EVEN THOUGH IT’S THE ONE
NO ONE READS. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, I AM CONFIDENT THAT YOU GENTLEMEN WILL, WITHOUT PASSION,
EXAMINE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM AND RESTORE
THIS MAN TO HIS FAMILY. IN THE NAME OF ERU ILVATAR, DO
YOUR DUTY. ( APPLAUSE )
SCOUT, JIM, WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

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    Erich Schmidt

    Is that final speech a hommage on "Inherit The Wind" with Spencer Tracy? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtNdYsoool8

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    jamal ali

    You’re inability to understand culture differences doesn’t surprise or shock me. You don’t have complete freedom of speak in America, just as you can’t incite violence or murder. In turkey honour has just as much esteem, the consequences that guy faced is the equivalent of libel laws in the USA & he knew that but went right ahead and did it anyway. Insulting someone let alone the President (who embodies the state) for mere political points is redundant and diminishes the state as a whole especially without an factual basis or substantive critique.

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    Black Cadillac

    Nobody there clapped for "We are all lucky to live in this country" fuck me is that a room full of communists from 1950 or something?

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    SummitNJ EnviroCommission

    Too bad Tolkien is such low level literature. It is boring and silly compared to Mark Twain, Shakespeare, Racine, Dante. Wake up Stephen! You wasted so much time on junk literature. Work on helping to undo CLIMATE CRISIS CATASTROPHE INSTEAD. Lord of the Rings is so boring!

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    AmarthwenNarmacil

    I wish to meet Stephen in a bar and just geek out over Tolkien for hours over a few beers (or any drink of his choice).

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