(Fun) ‘Civil Service Secrets Exposed’ (political satire)

Okay Leonora I’ll tell you about what I’ve
done about the inmates at the Civil Service Club Stupid! SOCULITHERZ please
I’ve told you that like Cher, Beyonce, Rihanna Madonna and Elvis you are to call me by my
elebrity, single name – So-cool-it-hurts – get it? Okay boss I mean Soculitherz One good thing is that you’re looking not
cool but slightly smoother today
I’ve told you before that ‘style’ is all about how well you tuck your bits in
I’m pleased to say your bits look pretty tucked in
today so that’s good But no I’ll tell first about my interview
with the senior civil servant Didn’t you interview Sir Michael Graysting
– he’s just retired? What did you find out from him? I’ve heard he can be a very prickly
character? I’d done my research- Stupid – so knew
the man is obsessed by snakes – he’s writing a book on snakes. So I bought him a gift of
a Jake the Snake, wrestling figure. Did he like it? He didn’t say – it was what we investigative
journalists call an Ice-breaker Anyway I explained that ‘Stripping for Freedom’
is about what people need to do to ‘be their own boss’ and start their own enterprise.
I asked him why he’d decided to go it alone in his own business?
I didn’t add that he had a big fat civil service pension and never needed to work again. What did he say? Sir Michael said he felt too young to be retired.
This was surprising as he looked ancient. His waistband seemed to be around his neck
and above this there was grey hair sprouting from his nose and ears.
Anyway he said he had a few opportunities because some of his Oxford chums in the media
– in television particularly – had known of his interest in snakes. ‘Is there a sting in the tail?’ Don’t do jokes. You’re not funny Robinson
and neither is your hopeless cousin, and my Swedish agent, Nord Baldrick. You’re both
just badly dressed and stupid. OK? OK Soculitherz – boss. Did you ask him whether
the media work led to him writing his children’s books featuring ‘Sammy and Sandra Snake?’
I love them. I did and he said ‘‘Partly. Mainly it
arose from his grandson getting very emotional when Sir Michael gave him bedtime stories
about the Snake family. That started Sir Michael thinking that more
children might enjoy them. I then asked him what led to him developing
management training techniques based on snake charming, snake psychology and snake
handling?’ To my surprise he said that was the Prime
Minister’s idea. Apparently the PM had always wanted to pass on his experience to fast track
civil servants at the Civil Service College. Bet he tells them the story about St Paul
shipwrecked spending a few months in Malta and then being bitten by a snake after which
there were no more poisonous snakes in Malta. Can’t quite work out why
though? ‘That’ll do – stupid! Anyway he said
that the PM thought we should teach the civil service leaders of the future how to fix people
in key public service positions who might be inclined to become snakes in the grass. What did he mean by saying ‘fix’? His exact words were that ‘ to fix’ means
‘’to influence them to act in the better interests of the public good and country’ Did he say what happens if he couldn’t influence
or fix them He did – he said that usually they were influenced
after his training but if that fails then they have ways of
diminishing their credibility For example, you will notice that people who
are really going against policy often lose their credibility and then their posts. He
said they don’t need to put anything in the water supply now
They are just shown up as being past their sell-by date. They become an embarrassment
and their views become no longer relevant Oh! Did he give any tips on how to become
your own boss? He did. It was more useful than I’d expected
He said it’s a bit of a jungle out there so never attempt to charm the snakes. During
your first year in business you’ll encounter more snakes trying to rob and confuse you
than in the rest of your business life span. Ignore all of them, Get a good mentor who
is another small business owner or family member with experience of running their own
business and perhaps an accountant or bookkeeper. That’ll do – ignore all the snakes until they
go away looking for other virgin flesh. Ooh was he talking dirty then? Anyway Sir
Michael does tell a good story. My favourite is Sandra Snake. Oh My God if I ever met Sandra
Snake I know I’d fall in love immediately. You won’t – Stupid. Now tell me what you’ve done to get those
grey suits with good ideas released from their Guantánamo Bay – that luxury care home they
sideline good civil servants in – the civil service club They must have spent millions keeping those
people distracted by the thousands of free bottles of Johnnie Walker, assorted whips,
plugs and rings and extravagant gambling expeditions to horse races or orchid growing competitions. It’s worth it to Government though. What’s
paying for free drinks and food and a few trips to Wimbledon, the Chelsea flower show
and Erotica at Olympia in comparison with allowing the good civil servants with their
bright ideas – like helping ‘self employment’ – into a position of influence. The last thing
they need is good ideas leading to good policies leading to votes at the next election. Instead
they will make unpopular policies and the most unpopular spending review ever I understand. The whole point of winning a
term in power as a leading politician is to use that term to line yourself up with lucrative
private sector or international jobs, directorships, speaking engagements and consultancy. Especially
roles in financial institutions, pharmaceuticals and oil companies for environment and keeping
world peace. There are many world leadership roles that
are invented for ex-ministers and their families. isn’t that lucky?
So getting back in is not an option. See how Labour leaders wrecked their last
election campaign as they all had other opportunities to go to and didn’t want another term in power.
I know they’re all following the Blair Blueprint as to how to increase personal wealth. . In that regard I knew it would have to be
something that might jeopardise their chances of getting all those lucrative opportunities
in the future that would be the only way of actually getting them to take back the good
grey suits. Precisely – so what did you do? I got all the inmates of the Civil Service
Club to write down a list of all the senior Government politicians that had been to play
with them in the Dungeon. I then said to the PM that I’d release the
list to the Independent unless for each name on the list they’d release one grey suit back
into senior policy advising. We had lots more Government senior politicians on the list
that had played in the dungeon than we had grey suited inmates so they are all out now. Good work Robinson. It may be that all Yorkshireman
are stupid and badly dressed but you might be the first Yorkshireman that has ever done
a useful day’s work to save their country from destruction.

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