How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser


This video is sponsored by Skillshare, click the link in the description for more information. Being someone who pleases people sounds, on
the face of it, like a very good idea. But it is a pattern of behaviour riddled with
problems, as much for the perpetrator as for their audience; the people-pleaser is someone
(who might at times be oneself) who feels they have no option but to mould themselves
to the expectations of others, and yet, harbours all manner of secret and at points dangerous
reservations and resentments. They act like the perfect lover when their real feelings
are far darker; they give their assent to plans they hate; and they confuse everyone
around them by failing to express, in due time, with the requisite courage, their authentic
needs and ambitions. Putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar.
It sounds brutal, but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons: not in order to
gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others. To understand
– and potentially sympathise with – the people-pleaser we need to look at their past
which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people – usually
a mother or a father – who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting
and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child. Perhaps our
father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement. To present an opposing political
idea, to suggest we wanted something different to eat, to be frank about our tiredness or
anxiety, could threaten us with annihilation. To survive, we needed to be acutely responsive
to what others expected us to do and say. The very question of what we might really
want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority: manically second-guessing
the desires of those on whom, at that time, our lives depended. We didn’t always lie
out of fear; it was also often out of love for someone we were profoundly attached to
but who was vulnerable in some way. We lied out of a longing not to set off another marital
row, a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood and to avoid adding a further
burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life. Who were we to make
things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for? However understandable
the origins of our behaviour, in the more reflexive moments of adulthood, we might find
three paths out from these difficult patterns of people-pleasing. The first relies on reminding
ourselves that our colleagues, partners and friends are almost certainly very different
from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood. Most humans can cope
quite well with a bit of contradiction, a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional
rejection, delivered with requisite politeness. The other is not going to explode or dissolve.
We learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who
were not representative of humanity as a whole. Secondly, we need to acknowledge the inadvertently
harmful side-effects of our behaviour. We may genuinely have good intentions, but we
are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly. At work, we aren’t doing anyone
a service by withholding our doubts and reservations. And in love, there is no kindness in staying
in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us. They
will, but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality. Finally,
we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult messages we have to impart.
As a child we couldn’t nuance the messages we wanted to send out. We didn’t know how
to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. Now, it is open to us to be
firm in our own views – but extremely genial as well. We can say ‘no’ while indicating
that we feel a lot of goodwill; we can say someone is wrong without implying that they
are an idiot. We can leave someone, while ensuring they realise how much a relationship
meant to us. We can – in other words – be pleasant without being people-pleasers. We partnered with Skillshare today as it is a fantastic starting point for anyone also looking to learn new skills and they have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you. The first 500 people to sign up using the link in the description will receive a two month free trial. If you haven’t heard of Skillshare before it’s home to thousands of classes in Graphic Design, animation, web development, music, photography, design and more. You can start learning how to do just about anything. In two months you could easily learn the skills you need to start a new hobby or business. Is there a project that you have been dreaming of completing but just aren’t sure if you have the skills to do it? Why not start now and sign up to Skillshare using the link below.

Comments

  1. Post
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    The School of Life

    Are you a people pleaser? Let us know in the comments below or on our app: https://bit.ly/2JFp7Ev

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    Adrian Cooke

    I don't know why they suppose it is the FATHER that was the tyrant: in my case it was the mother. I suppose this has been done to please Feminists.

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    Daniel Cotillo

    "I don't have to be a pleaser if I'm by myself."

    That's how I ended up rationalizing this. I'm 29 and hate myself for always go around trying to stay out of trouble while always trying to come up to everyone's expectations. I've been raised to never say "no", or "I don't know"; either I know the answer, or I will search it up the answer. My parents call this "acting in good faith", and "caring for others". In any case, this made me develop trust issues.

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    Laura Eliana Marcone

    and what about stop pleasing the people that made me the people pleaser in the first place? like the people that actually can't cope with disagreement

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    mike4ty4

    I can't believe so many people find this insanely difficult. I have never thought that I need to bend over, much less lie , to "please". I refuse lies, fraud, and bsing. I care more to treat little Peeps right and with Love; and I don't expect reciprocation therefor, nor do I expect that any relationship with any given little Peep will last even more than one meeting, and few do, but for me, that is very often sufficient. Once more it seems so many are killed or jaded by expectations – they art a pox! A pox, I tell thee!

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    Rb Smith

    They are nearly right….. I used to have two friends with serious problems. They acted like a doormat to let anybody to walk all over them and later complained. UGH!!!!!!!!
    Me, When, I’m having guests I always make sure that they are comfortable and had enough to eat is all about.

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    MHD WANTZ

    This is what I’m looking for for all my life. I hate the fact that i always be there for people and it’s like im stuck in a hole surrounding by all this idiots that will never know how hard for me to not be there for them 😭

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    In love With the sky

    I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and him knowing I was a people-pleaser, he'd make me feel guilty everytime I wanted out, so it took me 3 years to tell myself "No, he's lying, he won't kill himself if I leave, nor does that make me a bad person that destroyed him" and call it quits. Looking back, he didn't love me the slightest, he emptied me so bad..

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    Eunhyoung Lee

    I've even given up my crush just to make other girls like me. I'm the one who betrayed myself all the time. Let's prioritize ourselves guys!!

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    Glory Olomi

    This video has just spoken to me and my childhood. It happened more with my dad, he didn't want anyone to disagree with him and my relationship with my mom was very short. Now i see why I've always feel the need to please people especially men and i feel horrible in the face of a conflict. God this is sooooooo deep😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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    Mice Elf

    Yep… my perfectionist father was constantly disappointed with me, had a terrible temper and could EXPLODE over something trivial, and my psycho mother hated me. She would crack me in the face for disagreeing with her (not back-talking or any disrespect, just not agreeing about something), really winding up up and letting me have it, like an open-handed punch to the face. I always tried extremely hard not to upset either of them in the slightest way.

    As a young person out in the real world, I was so deeply imprinted with never being confrontational in the SLIGHTEST way, I sometimes got walked on.

    I finally realized that I wasn't going to get cracked in the face just for disagreeing with someone (I actually thought that would happen), and with a few years of therapy early on, turned it around completely.

    Now I'm more the opposite, usually the first one to voice my dissent when needed, but still don't really like confrontational situations.

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    Don Tan

    I like to make people happy and accommodate where possible, but I won't do something I don't want to, does that make me a people pleaser lol, too much pyscho babble can be piegeon holed into anything and cause even more confusion for people.

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    Racey Stacey

    I'm learning that I can say NO . Also learning that I don't have to explain myself when I say "No" . Usually I'd stumble over trying to find a reason to why I didn't want to go along with what people demanded of me. But I don't have to give reasons if I don't want to .

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    Exodo 23:24

    Proverbs 1
    The Purpose of Proverbs
    1 These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel.2 Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
        to help them understand the insights of the wise.
    3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
        to help them do what is right, just, and fair.
    4 These proverbs will give insight to the simple,
        knowledge and discernment to the young.

    5 Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.
        Let those with understanding receive guidance
    6 by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,
        the words of the wise and their riddles.

    7 Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,
        but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

    A Father’s Exhortation: Acquire Wisdom

    8 My child, listen when your father corrects you.
        Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.
    9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace
        and be a chain of honor around your neck.

    10 My child, if sinners entice you,
        turn your back on them!
    11 They may say, “Come and join us.
        Let’s hide and kill someone!
        Just for fun, let’s ambush the innocent!
    12 Let’s swallow them alive, like the grave;
        let’s swallow them whole, like those who go down to the pit of death.
    13 Think of the great things we’ll get!
        We’ll fill our houses with all the stuff we take.
    14 Come, throw in your lot with us;
        we’ll all share the loot.”

    15 My child, don’t go along with them!
        Stay far away from their paths.
    16 They rush to commit evil deeds.
        They hurry to commit murder.
    17 If a bird sees a trap being set,
        it knows to stay away.
    18 But these people set an ambush for themselves;
        they are trying to get themselves killed.
    19 Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;
        it robs them of life.

    Wisdom Shouts in the Streets

    20 Wisdom shouts in the streets.
        She cries out in the public square.
    21 She calls to the crowds along the main street,
        to those gathered in front of the city gate:
    22 “How long, you simpletons,
        will you insist on being simpleminded?
    How long will you mockers relish your mocking?
        How long will you fools hate knowledge?
    23 Come and listen to my counsel.
    I’ll share my heart with you
        and make you wise.

    24 “I called you so often, but you wouldn’t come.
        I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.
    25 You ignored my advice
        and rejected the correction I offered.
    26 So I will laugh when you are in trouble!
        I will mock you when disaster overtakes you—
    27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,
        when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,
        and anguish and distress overwhelm you.

    28 “When they cry for help, I will not answer.
        Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.
    29 For they hated knowledge
        and chose not to fear the Lord.
    30 They rejected my advice
        and paid no attention when I corrected them.
    31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,
        choking on their own schemes.
    32 For simpletons turn away from me—to death.
        Fools are destroyed by their own complacency.
    33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,
        untroubled by fear of harm.”

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    muaz alquarny

    I think the childhood roots are deeper and beyond our ability to change , however try to use your defects in proper way . People pleasent person is perfect in undrstanding people ; use this in your work , projects and future goals . Our childhood distortions are the foundation of our massege in life . Please do not be sad . Just use it

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    Sharifa shahsahen

    I can't displease people even if it will hurt people. I always felt that my property in relationship is to not displeas people

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    Sophie Lei

    I prefer to take risks and be brave over perfectionism and pleasing people. It is difficult, if not downright impossible to be perfect in every way and appeal to people's tastes.

  29. Post
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    Rhyle Swoon

    Being a people pleaser I always thought my good intentions will always resonate to others.. Harsh reality then struck me and was labelled as someone who was "plastic" or fake.. I tried harder to be nicer and be more authentic but people where still unsatisfied.. People treated me worse and always saw everything I do with malice and fault.. Then one day I saw myself unintentionally becoming this person people were trying to tell me that I was.. slowly turning into evil, heartless with no mercy..

  30. Post
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    Saba Saeedi

    Your videos are so beautiful and mesmerizing that I sometimes forget to listen to the narrator! Can you kindly share the name of the application you use for making them? 🙂

  31. Post
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    Richard Stein

    I am a codependent people pleaser. My mother is not the loving empathetic type, fairly emotionless. My parents would also argue a fair bit and we would all drink quite a bit every night. That was the only way to deal with the toxicity. My father could be quite verbally abusive when drinking towards my mother. And my mother being also codependent never stood up to him. So you can only guess what happened to me!!!! I cannot confront any altercation and find it very hard to say 'No'. Most of my decisions are based on what other people may/may not think. And to top it all off, because I feel like I was unloved by my mother, the only women I chase for relationships are ones a lot older that me 50/60/65. I'm 35. I'm pretty sure I do this because I am looking for the mother I feel I never had. Not sure that's very healthy. Then once I do find someone and they like me, I will instantly reject them because I'm fearful of attachment, because I guess I don't know what that's like. I am going to see a therapist. Thank you 🙂

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    AO Fonseca

    Some affirmation words I found to be helpful:

    I can express myself clearly.

    I can say NO whenever I want to.

    People don’t have to like me all the time.

    I don’t depend on other people’s approval to find personal satisfaction.

    People’s opinions and rejection don’t offend me and don’t affect me.

  39. Post
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    Jeremy Bosje

    I do feel that in particular the first origin is glossed over, people pleasing out of fear because of anger can be a symptom of trauma. I couldn’t do anything wrong w/o being yelled at, hit, or made to feel worthless. This made me deathly afraid of doing or saying anything wrong, and that isn’t something I can overcome without proper help. These habits are not something that I can just stop, they were a way to survive and you cant just stop that because its stopped helping you. So if you people please because it had once helped you survive a dangerous home life, please seek professional help, you don’t have to get better on your own

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    ilhaan dini

    For me i wanted to please people because I didn’t wanted to be hurt by them. I was going out of my way to please people so i would fit in. Why do i need to please them? What makes them important? Like me, dislike me life moves on because you are not better than me nor do you provide me with anything. But when it’s a crowd that you want to please. Yet again everybody is unique. The human race is not one way. The crowds will diverge some will like you some will dislike you, but not everybody will like you and not everybody will dislike you. That’s not possible because God didn’t create everybody to be the same. Don’t be convinced if we like the same thing, are fingerprints are proof everyone is not the same. Even twins. Trying to please everyone, impossible. Remember there will always be somebody who dislikes you and somebody who likes you. Focus on the ones who like you because there’s always somebody in your corner. But if they turn away there 7 billion people on earth. You know if everyone was the same voting wouldn’t exists, and racism would not exist.

    For me (cause it’s only unique to me) it about being happy with yourself and that you don’t need anybody else. These people will not give you anything, it’s so irrelevant like a wall. It won’t do anything so why do i try to please it.

    I want to be me cause there will only ever be me. You know love yourself cause you both like the same things.

    Edit: It’s not rude to not try to please everyone, it’s human. It’s human because that’s not a life to live.

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    No You

    In short: Don't be a Armando Diaz.
    Being an Armando Diaz is a person who looks for the big cool kid on the block and try to befriend them so they can seem cool themselves.

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    Moonwalkergirl22

    I have this trait unfortunately and it’s ruined a friendship I have or have had. I recently had a huge falling out with my friend because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started to care less and less about pleasing my friend and I finally snapped left her house in anger without saying goodbye to her decided to call her out on some of her bad behaviour towards me and I told her that I thought that her behaviour towards me was mean and now she is ignoring me. I was letting her get away with murder and putting my own needs feelings hobbies and interests aside for hers way too often. I was afraid that I might lose her friendship if I became more vocal or more honest with her about things. I could tell that she was beginning to lack respect for me and she had started to become very patronising and very critical of me.Half the time she would ignore me when I slept over at her house. I think I may have finally snapped out of people pleasing now. I guess my friend isn’t too happy about this.She has probably got a shock to be honest because I am normally so meek and quiet.

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    T Rex D

    It took me a long time to realize where my people-pleasing tendencies came from. I realized the root cause was my family all along. My parents constantly had horrible fights and were extremely abusive to one another, and my mom was very abusive towards me as well. It caused me to develop anxiety and become afraid of conflict, so I turned into a people pleaser from an early age. Only after I moved out and cut off my family from my life I managed to overcome my fears and gained confidence to assert myself.

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