Jon Stewart Gives Conan The NYC Citizenship Test – CONAN on TBS

Jon Stewart Gives Conan The NYC Citizenship Test  – CONAN on TBS


Now that I’m back, I was thinking about it today, I feel like I never left. I really think I know this city like the back of my hand. I really do. Yeah, but are you really sure about that? I mean, you haven’t lived here in a while. Andy, I don’t think that matters. I think, I think nobody knows more about New York City than I do. I think I really do. I think the city’s in my blood. Nobody! There’s not a single person in the world who could know more about New York City than I do! Really? Yes! Really! Well, Conan, then you should have no trouble passing the just invented New York City Citizenship Test administered by New York’s own, the one, the only, Mr. Jon Stewart. (audience cheering) Lovely to see you. Thank you so much. Wow. How are things going in that 1940s gas station you’re working in? I’ll tell ya, it was going great, but there’s been a terrible traffic jam with this giant ginger-haired rat in (laughing drowns out speech) and it has caused a huge back up. I don’t know, it’s this town, man. Oh, New York City, what can you do? It’s this town. New York City is this town. By the way, you don’t lose your citizenship of New York when you leave it. You are always, and will always be a citizen of New York. That being said, you don’t know shit about this place. And you never did. Never did? And I’ve got a quiz that I think can prove– You know what? Jon, your quiz does not frighten me. Perhaps it’s because you wrote it. So, let’s… Let’s get to– I might have something to do with it. And co-wrote it, yeah. I’m ready, I’m ready. Same way how I did the SATs. Let’s get back into the premise, here we go. Let’s get back into the premise, here we go. Conan, I’ve got a question for you, let’s start simple. Okay. Conan– Why do yo look at me when you say simple? That was very insulting what you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s start simple meaning just love between two people. Okay. Conan O’Brien, how many boroughs are there in New York City? Easy, five. (dinging) I’m gonna do this like there’s only one question on each card. Yeah. Even though that’s not the truth. Yeah, that’s okay. Conan, what’s the population of Manhattan? Easy, 1.6 million. (dinging) I just wanna make it very clear, no one has any (bleeping) idea how many people are in Manhattan. They don’t have any idea, it’s a completely made up thing. Alright, what New York City institution holds representatives of more than 193 nations? The F train. (dinging) You do know the city. Now here’s one, this is a bit of arcane trivia. He’s done very well up to now. Why is the mayor’s residence called Gracie Mansion? Because the house was originally the home of early American businessman Archibald Mansion. (dinging) We can edit that one. Alright. I can’t imagine what you’ll say to this. Where in New York City is the ball dropped every year? City Field. (dinging) Isn’t it interesting how quickly a good audience can turn into a meth fueled zombie apocalypse. Complete this New York City proverb, if a crowded subway has one seat free… There you’ll find a homeless man’s pee. Yes. (dinging) You’re getting these all right. Every single one. Name the very famous New York resident, you do this one. Name the very famous New York resident who won the 2016 New York election. Hillary Clinton. (dinging) Right. They turned on you and now they’re back. They would’ve ripped you limb from limb. Honestly, one more New York Mets reference they would’ve ripped you limb from limb they would’ve ripped you. They would’ve and– And lipped me, yeah. And lipped you. Cut out your brains and eaten it. Which I prefer. But now they’re back. You knew you were back in New York, Conan O’Brien, when? When I saw Pizza Rat get into an Uber Black. (dinging) Here’s a series of questions that I think you’ll find very amusing. Okay. Give the appropriate New York response to the following situations, you’re almost hit by a cab. I’m walkin’ here! (dinging) You’re Christoper Walkin. I’m walkin’ here! (dinging) You’re a plumber applying waterproof sealant to a bathtub? I’m caulkin’ here! (dinging) By the way I… Applauding your ability to rhyme. What is the best way to get a child into a Manhattan pre-school? Has the child been born? Yes, he has. It’s already too late. (dinging) Now, this one is a little more difficult. Okay. This one is something that is gonna have to be written in red if you’re gonna be able to read it. I’m gonna give you a hypothetical news story and I want you to tell me what the New York Post headline would be. Okay, I can do this. Really fake concentrate. Yeah. Trump fires special council Robert Mueller. Bye-bye Bobby. (dinging) Mayer de Blasio mired in a corruption scandal. Mayor McSleaze. (dinging) Thomas Keller’s new Vietnamese restaurant opens to poor reviews. Vietnam nom-noms by Tom bomb. (dinging) That was an amazing one. Come on. This is a man who earns millions of dollars. Hundreds of thousands. What is the name of the pastry that combines a croissant with a donut? A cronut. (dinging) What is a croissant combined with a muffin? A cruffin. (dinging) What is an avocado and a waffle? An awful. (dinging) What… Banana bread, a fritter, and a danish? A Fran Drescher. (dinging) We’ll take care of that. You won’t be seeing that around. Going into the archives. Yeah. By the way that bar no longer exists. This bit’s been going on so long I’ve seen Jon’s beard grow while he’s here. I’m a Jew, literally I’ll have this down to the feet soon. So much faster in rehearsal. Alright, here we go. That’s why I should’ve went to it. Give the definition of these common Yiddish words. Putz. Putz, a jerk or a fool, also a penis. (dinging) Schmuck. A jerk or a fool, also a penis. (dinging) Schlep. To carry or travel with difficulty as in that schmuck schlepped his putz all the way through Prospect Park, also a penis. (dinging) And what, my friend, is the easiest way to kiss up to a crowd? Bring out a legendary comedian, have him ask softball questions about their city. (dinging) That is the way to do it. And with that in mind, with that in mind, Yes. The final question is this, New York City has? The greatest audiences in the world. (dinging) No! Jon, sit! You’re not done. What? You’re not done. What? You’re not done. Not so fast. Wait a minute. Now it’s time for Jon to answer a few questions in the just made up time honored, ask Jon Stewart some bullshit questions test, right? Wow. Here we go. Flip the premise. Yeah! Question one, why are you really here? I’m a big fan of the show and would not miss it. (buzzing) Oh, not good. Why are you really here? Plug my upcoming even on HBO Night of Too Many Stars. (dinging) Okay, very good. Jon, when is this event? Well, it’s November 18th at 8:00 pm. (dinging) Okay, and what’s it for? It’s gonna raise money for services and programs for people with autism and their families. Ah, very good, excellent. Jon. Yes. Important question. Alright. Do people know that by donating they can enter once in a lifetime experiences like the chance to be my cohost for an episode of Conan on TBS? Do they know that? They do now! (dinging) Wow! Yeah! Wow! Wow! I get a day off! We all gotta get in on that! That’s not right. That’d be great, Andy, if you won that. Yeah! Hey, go to Omaze.com/conan for your chance to enter. It’s an amazing, amazing thing. That’s not, that’s not a question. Oh, I have a question for ya. Finally, Jon, what would the New York Post headline be if you got drunk on Manischewitz, hijacked a train, rammed it into my car, which immediately then caught on fire? I guess it would be J Stew drinks Jew brew rams choo-choo into fender of slender gender bender binge singes cringy ginger. Yes! (dinging) We milked that for all it was worth. Thank you, man, for doing it. Night of Too Many Stars, America Unites for Autism Program airs November 18th on HBO. Thank you. Jon Stewart everybody!

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    Henry Fjord

    I know Jon Stewart is a legend and "erry"thing… but I find him to be annoyingly smug. I think he is basically the godfather of all of the politically drenched cynical late night smuggery we have currently… In which ideological righteousness is constantly insinuated, and never actually explained. Conan is a classier, more edifying cultural influence, in my opinion. Conan is the smart kid who went to Harvard and has nothing to prove, while Jon seems like a relatively smart guy who wishes he went to Harvard, and needs the world to understand that he's smart.

    I do give Stewart props for raising money for autistic kids, however… He should stick to that.

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    Godfrey Jemand

    Sorry BUT Jon Stewart was born in New Jersey. I was born in NYC in St. Vincent's Hospital
    in Greenwich Village in Manhattan. HUH? I also drove a Taxi in NYC. OK?

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    Donny Baker

    4:27 wow that wasn't planned… Damn, that looked pathetically forced. Trump 2020!! 🇺🇸 👍

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    The Universe Galaxy

    its amazing how many people claim to love there city then they all come to live in los angeles

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    Viva Freedom

    If Jon Stewart were to run for president, he could destroy Donald T. Jon is an outstanding debater and public speaker.

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    Roy Batty

    Hm… John Stewart was funny the first 1-3 years of the Daily show. Then he became a perpetually offended SJW. Presently, he is just not funny anymore.

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    Vince T

    Hey what's up John? Are you getting together the money from Hollywood to help out homeless in Los Angeles and San Francisco? I think you have to help your own State out before you can help out people 9/11

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    Vince T

    Jon your state is crumbling. Go drive around and see if the homeless people in your state. Yes John the Democrats have ruined California and if you don't get it together it will crumble quickly

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    Vince T

    John God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Jesus Christ is the son of God. Turn your evil ways from the Devil and turn your life to God

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    Abdullah Hamad

    No one more representative of New York high society circa 1994 than Fran Drescher. Conan really pulling on the history.

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    mrdabbleswithpotion

    Conan has said "he's a threat to every Irishman in the world". That's a bit extreme. Anyways on account of that, Conan really is acting as the white flag for AAAYYEEEE-RRIIISSSH people, presenting himself on my Youtube home page as the wholesome face of every AYYYEEE-REEEEESSH men. Ouuwww….

    I used to respect you Conan, not in an elitist way that you are intelligent & a Harvard grad, but because you stood up to the liberal cause. You even have a staff that is very diverse. One that you're not shy to display. I even for a while wanted to believe the Jordan Schlansky character was real, but now it's become apparent that it's all a lie to really capture the millennial crowd. I don't think you're a despicable person, I just wish you'd just buzz off, but you won't.

    So here's what I'd do. For every single time a video of yours makes it way to my home page, to that video I will post this exact comment, copy-paste, verbatim.

    Let's play this game.

    —-

    Why am I suddenly behaving badly? Not that I'm super nice online, even. People just created this memory of a super pleasant, stupid nice guy that they know so well, as if the memory is real. At the very least, even the dumbest (¹) will remember how horrible people were to me. For what? Nearly a decade? People just can't stand the memory of how they were so they just replaced it with the "memory" that I've always been this super nice, caring, sweet, forgiving guy that doesn't even care what you do to! I'll just forgive you no matter what! I'd just keep smiling! He's Filipino! Filipino are just like that! A point that these irish hijacked to no end. "Ouwwhhh, he's just this bhoy. Always just eager to please! He just wants everybody happy! It's always about kindness & helping each other out with his people".

    How do the irish know? Coz the irish are the Whites most like Filipinos, the irish say! I'd say it's the Spanish, but the irish will not have anything to do with them. So, eerrhhh? On conversations between the irish & Filipinos it will be unusual to ever bring up similarities, unless it mentions me. That really is only when the irish say that Filipinos are most like them. But it does solve a few issues….

    Look! The Whites aren't being racists! His people are compared to another White group! Seems like the irish can just manage the mess that this person has created. At this realization, suddenly, Whites do see that the most common of them (conveniently not having to use Italians, which are a little bit too discriminated themselves) & his people are indeed similar!… Well, not see, as more as feel. It eases them. When I point out that, "no, I don't identify with you, in fact you people are doing the worst to my family…", but, the gossiping of the irish were quick to take,
    "Ouwwhh… He is a very screwed-up, self-hating person that always withdraws to himself & always say 'sooorry!' (²). He just feels so, so irish that he just can't help it! He identifies so much to us, that he hates us. We know these things about him… We're the ones that knows most about this bhoy… It is! It is indeed as so many people are saying now, he really just wants everybody to be happy & smiling! Ouuwhh yes,  he loves the irish face. He likes his face plump & round like maize walliams! Ouuuwwwh, he doesn't really mean it when he said this! Like we said, this is a very, very conflicted bhoy. He's acting out on you on something else that he feels about himself! Yes, yes.. Oh, no, no… It's not because of what you did or said to him" 
    Even the part that I said that the irish are doing the worst to us was being discarded. It's only being un-omitted now. Because of the insistence of the gossiping of them (no shortage there) that it's being drowned out & it's really hard to show that the worst cops & most psychics are irish.


    ¹ That aren't Vancouverites.
    ² I did say sorry a lot when I was working at Pet Habitat.

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    Mark Youneva

    I bet Jon Stewart regrets stepping down from The Daily Show after all that Trump's Admin has been doing. Trevor Noah has been doing a stellar job but Jon Stewart knows how to skewer people in government and has a lot more fight, and is more empowered to do it as natural born American.

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    odibex

    I was sure they were gonna do: "You're Christopher Walken and you're almost hit by a cab" – "I'm Walken walkin' here"

    plz gief job

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    Brandon Newby

    Daaaamn. I feel like Jon actually f*** his own face up when he hit the fourth wall and said, "Maybe cuz you wrote all of them."

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