ANNOUNCER:Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcomethe second President of the
Confederate States of America.(applause and cheering) -(applause and cheering swell)
-(camera shutter clicking) Oh, yeah. Wow. -Wow.
-Mr. President? Thank you. Thank you. -Mr. President?
-Mr. President? I’m gonna get mean
and divisive in a few minutes, but first,
I want to take a moment to acknowledge the tragic victim of the events
-(laughter) You are not the victim
of Charlottesville. You barely even
denounced the hate groups. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Let me finish. Because I am now
going to denounce the worst hate group
of them all– the press. I hate you! So you’re a hate group
with your stupid glasses… Okay, you’re calling the press
a hate group when you side
with white supremacists? I don’t side
with white supremacists, honey! I don’t see color. I can’t, because on Monday,
I stared directly into the sun. (laughter, applause) -Afghanistan question, go.
-That’s not how this works. -Sir, you can’t tell us
what to ask. -You can’t do that. -That’s not how it works.
-What are you talking about? Okay. Excuse me. Excuse me. -Excuse me! Excuse me.
-Okay. No. -Come on. -No. Sir, what are you doing?
-Excuse me! Excuse me! -Excuse me. Well, no.
-(indistinct chatter) Look, there they go. They’re turning the cameras off because they don’t want you
to see this! No, we’re not.
The cameras are on. -They’re your cameras!
-No, no, no! No, no, no! Look at me. Whatever camera
you’re watching me on right now has been turned off! Why can’t you just
tell people the truth? Don’t question me! You people need to be civil. That’s why
tonight’s theme is “civility.” We need to return
to the genteel ways of our Southern whatever…
Who cares? You know, I don’t care. This is ridiculous. Here’s what I mean. I’m only talking
to white people, and if you think about it
that way, I kind of make sense! -You represent all of Americans.
-(indistinct chatter) We might be battling,
but, please, let’s keep our war civil. -A civil war.
-(laughter) I’m the president.
Can you secede it?! Let’s roll!