Okay, my name is Spoonie Luv,
and I was wondering, would it be all right for me to
drop by and drop off a deposit, because I’m going
to a party tonight and I know I’m going
to get arrested. Yes, who am I speaking to? Joan. Joan, this is Spoonie. Spoonie? Yeah, and I bought some
barbecue sauce from your store. Yeah? I have kind of
like a situation here. What? This is really embarrassing
to talk about, but I poured
some barbecue sauce on me. Mm-hmm. My old lady poured it on me,
and it’s like… Whoa. My ass is burning. Mm-hmm. And I don’t know what to do,
and I have a rash. Yeah. My wife has developed a rash
on her boobs, because it is barbecue sauce
that we bought from your store. My mother told me
to call the store and see- Oh.
… whoa, my ass is burning. Did you get it–
wash it all off? Yeah. I got popsicles down there
and everything. Whoa. I don’t know what to tell you
except only a doctor can order some ointment
to put on you. Ointment?
Yeah. Oh my God, goodness. You’ve never had this before? No, it’s barbecue sauce. I know. Ouch. Have you ever
had this happen before? No. You never poured nothing on you? No. Oh my, don’t use
that barbecue sauce. My ass is inflamed. You know? Oh, wow. How long ago
did you use this? We used it last night. Oh wow.
Some got in my ass. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m laying on my side, I got to lay on my side,
because my ass is just burning. Oh. It’s raw.
Yeah. I think she got spicy. That could be. What you should do
is use whipped cream. You use whipped cream? No, I don’t use whipped cream. What you use, Joan? I won’t use the hot sauce,
I know that. My rectum look like half a veal
parmesan sandwich right now. Wow. I would soak myself
in ice water. What do the whipped cream do? It cools you down. Put that on the ass,
just rub it around the ass? Yeah.
Oh, man. Okay, let me go now,
I have a bunch of customers- Wait a minute, Joan.
Joan, Joan. I am hurting. Go lay in water. Yeah? Ice water.
Right. And that should cool it down. Joan. Joan. Yeah? Joan please talk me
through this, Joan. Well go lay in the shower,
because right now I got a- Don’t leave me, Joan. … store full of customers. Joan, I’m scared.
Don’t be. Joan, I’m scared. Okay. Joan, I love you. Okay. Ah. Ah, ah. Courtesy Bond. Is this the bondsman? This is Courtesy Bonding. Okay, my name is Spoonie Luv, and I was wondering,
would it be all right for me to drop by
and drop off a deposit, because I’m going
to a party tonight and I know I’m going
to get arrested. We don’t do that.
We don’t do stuff like that. I’m going to go out. And I know what’s
going to happen. Yeah. I drink a lot,
I get very belligerent. Yeah. Just call us,
call a bonding company. We don’t take deposits
like that. I got a bag of money, and I do
want you to hook me up, man. No, I don’t take peoples’
money like that. If you in jail, then we’ll
arrange to get you out, but Hey, hey. You know,
do the right thing here, baby. Do the right thing here, baby. Yeah. Don’t treat me like this. Well, I treat
everybody like this. Well I got one foot
in the man’s jail already, another one is
on a banana peel. Just call me if you land there,
just call me. Somebody will come down
and bail you out. You know what?
You probably saw me on TV. Why I was on Cops, season one,
three, five, and six. Oh, I see a lot of them. I see, got my clients
on all the time. You won’t be the first one. So could you do me a favor? What’s that? Could you at least come out
and feed my cats? I can’t do none of that. Come on, hook a brother up man,
and stop playing- I really can’t do none of that. … you can, one name is Buffy,
one name is Snowball. Yeah. I’m sorry about Snowball
and Buffy, I’m sorry about that. Why punish the cats? Just call. Why are you punishing the cats? I’m not a cat watcher. All right, listen. I just need you
to do me one favor. You tell the cops that you
planted a bag of weed on me. Not me. Could I ask you a question? Yeah. How much bail for the average
assault charge? You won’t have a bail, you’ll
have to see a judge. How about public sodomy? You won’t have a bond. What’s wrong with me
tearing up a little ass? That’s on you. What’s your name? Bill. Bill, why don’t you come out
with me tonight? You count the money while we
driving over to get the ass. I ain’t destitute for money
like that, man. Hey, I turn bitches out. Mm-hmm. I’m Spoon Luv from up above. Mm-hmm. So I’m going to bring
the two cats with me, we going to come pick you up,
we going to go over Susie’s house. I got another call, I got
to- Hey Bill.
Yeah. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. I got to go. How much for your wife? Spoonie Luv was found guilty of four counts
of wiggling his tongue through his fingers at
an undercover female officer. American Artists may I help you? Yeah, I have some ideas,
I’m a writer. Yeah. And I wanted to pitch
some greeting card ideas. Can I pitch them to you? Uh… Here’s one, listen to this one,
tell me if you like this one. Happy birthday,
this is your special day, so go on out
and have a happy birthday. Okay, happy birthday- Nice, right?
I have one, check this one out. In your new car, you are a star,
on the way to a bar, or wherever you are,
in your new car. Nice, right? Wow, that’s probably good but- Hey listen to this one, listen to this one,
listen to this one. It’s about nice feet.
It’s called you have nice feet. From your ankles to your instep,
I really love your feet. So slim, so strong, so shapely,
so gracefully and petite. So wrap your toes
around my johnson, it’s time to beat my meat. Sounds good.
Nice, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I like it. That’s what I’m talking about.
It’s nice. Probably we going to use it,
yeah. I got another one.
You gotta hear this. Tell me. I’m ready. I like the way you like my
[BEEP], my [BEEP] in your mouth
feels so good. Warm saliva dripping off. That’s kind of special. Yeah. And check this one out.
My testicles are fun to eat, so you know you want
to touch it, with your feet. Wow.
Nice, right? Yeah. You sound like you like that. I like it, absolutely. I could write some nice stuff.
I could write some nice stuff. You have a talent. Check this one out.
I’m sorry your momma died. My momma died too.
So I know how you all feel. Life is short. You got to get on out
and shake it. Stay cool. Wow, it’s great. What’s your name? My name is Urie. You like my poems? Yeah, I like it. Which one you like the best? I pretty much like all of them. You like the one
about the testicles. Yeah, I like all of them, but- You want to pay me? No. I, no, I don’t, but- I could come over to your house
and we could get down, we could write.
You write? We could take our clothes off
and just write man. No, I think we can
communicate by phone. Okay, so you going to hire me,
or what? Let’s do it like this- I just hope you don’t take
my ideas man. I pray to the Lord man,
just don’t steal my ideas man. No, if we use your ideas, we definitely going to pay you,
don’t worry about it. How much do you think
they will pay me? Well, I don’t- For like the– how much
do you think they pay? It must be some commission. Check this one out though. Roses are red,
violets are great. Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm. That’s something. Okay, bye. Wait a minute Urie.
I got this one too. Strip club, strip club,
for where are thy? Strip club, strip club,
shot jizz in my eye. Oh, yeah good one. Okay, so call about an hour and
talk to Deena about it, okay? I don’t make
these decisions. Okay.
But dig this here anyway man. I just like the way
you think man. Okay, good, yeah. I wish I could just get
inside your head man. And just crawl around there,
just crawl around and see what you thinking
about man Urie. Well better if you use your idea
for other- Sound like a very
intelligent person man. You stimulate me.
You stimulated me. I’m going to hit you up
later man. You know? Take care.
Hey Urie! Okay, yeah? Urie? Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I feel you. Do you feel me? Well, that’s the question, so- That’s the question. You know, like to be
or not to be. This is the modern–
this is my version. I feel you. Do you feel me?
That is the question. Yeah.
Goodbye. Okay, bye. Don’t change man.
Urie, don’t change. Urie, don’t change man. Okay, bye. Call- Listen to me, don’t change. Okay, bye.