For more on this, we go to senior incarceration
correspondent, Jordan Klepper, everybody! -(cheers and applause)
-Right. Thank you. Thank you, Trevor. Trevor, I’m here at Augusta
Penitentiary in Virginia, and I’ve concluded one thing– -this place could really use
a Hale and Hearty. -(laughter) Daddy’s jonesy
for a minestronesy. And also, convicted felons
should not be allowed to vote. Whoa, hang on.
Hang on, Jordan. All kinds of people end up
in prison. How you can generalize
about so many potential voters? Do you have any idea
what it’s like in there? I do. I did six long years
watchingOz.Take it from me– prison is a masterfully-shot
and acted hellhole where the language is fear,
and the currency is stabbing. Okay, Jordan, Jordan, I feel like you haven’t actually
talked to any inmates. That’s where you’re wrong. I met two ex-cons who just finished
serving their sentences. Guys, come on over. (cheers and applause) Yeah, this… this is Darius, and this is, uh,
Killa B. Killed. -(laughter) -Yeah.
The “B” stands for Bartholomew. (laughter) First of all, welcome back
to society, gentlemen. Uh, Jordan… Jordan just said that you guys should not have
the right to vote. How do you feel about that? -This mother(bleep)…
-(laughter) -…is absolutely correct.
-Yeah. Yeah, you can’t trust convicts
with electoral (bleep). -We savages, son!
-See? Wait. I don’t understand,
gentlemen. You don’t want to vote? Oh. Oh, no, we want to vote, but we felons
don’t have the aptitude to make informed
political decisions. I mean, straight-up, dawg, I use violence to solve
my problems in the short term without regard
for the long term, much like how America’s disastrous foreign policy
decisions in the Middle East destabilized the region and led to the emergence
of the Islamic State! (applause and cheering) I mean… I mean… I mean, I’m stupid, yo. (laughter) -Dumb as bricks. -Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do I know
about fancy issues like Tort reform
or campaign finance? I’m too busy
running a functioning, cigarette-based side economy
while taking night classes so I can file legal appeals
on my own behalf. I’m a (bleep)maniac!(laughter, applause & cheering) Total psycho. It’s tragic. Guys, I think you may be
selling yourselves short here. You don’t need to be defined
by the crimes you’ve committed. And just out of curiosity, what were those crimes,
by the way? (laughing)
Tax evasion. (laughter) Super murder. It’s a new kind of murder
I invented. -It really takes murder up
a notch. -(laughter) Wow. Okay, um, well,
one more question. If you did regain the right
to vote, who would you vote for? (scoffs)
Ted Cruz. (laughs)
Hell, yeah, son! Trus-Ted. What? I don’t understand.
That makes no sense. Yeah, I don’t know, man. There’s just something
about his eyes, man. (laughter) Something a real
serial murderer can relate to. -Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-You know what I mean? -(laughter, applause)
-Thank you very much.