Prostitute Barista – Upright Citizens Brigade


THANK YOU. ♪ THROUGH THE
POURING RAIN… ♪♪ OKAY WENDY… I TOLD THE AGENCY
TO SEND ANYBODY OVER, REGARDLESS OF EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE WE’RE
DESPERATE FOR HELP… I JUST HAD ANOTHER KID
QUIT ON ME TODAY. IT’S NICE TO HAVE AN ADULT
APPLYING FOR A CHANGE. THANKS. I’M CHANGING CAREERS
AND IT’S… DIFFICULT TO GET
INTO A NEW FIELD. OH, WHAT WAS
YOUR LAST JOB ? I WAS KIND OF A WHORE. AREN’T WE ALL
IN A WAY, HUH ? I GUESS SO. OKAY WENDY, LET’S SEE EXACTLY
HOW YOU SOLD YOURSELF… OKAY, IT SAYS HERE
THAT YOU WERE A DANCER, WERE THESE
NATIONAL TOURS ? NO, THEY WERE
STRIP CLUBS. I PUT DOWN DANCING
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
IT SOUNDED BETTER. OKAY, LET’S FORGET
ABOUT JOB EXPERIENCE, I DON’T THINK
ANY OF IT’S GONNA APPLY. OKAY, SPECIAL SKILLS:
“EATING WHILE DRIVING”. EXPLAIN THAT. YOU KNOW HOW IT’S GOOD TO KILL
TWO BIRDS WITH TWO STONES ? WELL–
CAN I SMOKE IN HERE ? NO. ANYWAY, IF I’M HUNGRY AND I GOTTA DO
A LOT OF ERRANDS I GET IN MY CAR, I GO
THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU AND THEN EAT WHILE
I DO MY ERRANDS. Y’KNOW, LIKE IF I GOTTA
PICK UP A GIRL WHO DOESN’T
HAVE A CAR OR I GOTTA SCORE
SOMESUPERCOOLOR I GOTTA BUY
A BOX OF CONDOMS IN BULK– OKAY WENDY, SPECIAL SKILLS
DON’T APPLY EITHER. YOU HAVE A SECTION
ON YOUR RESUME ENTITLED “MY DO’s AND DON’Ts”. I’VE NEVER
SEEN THAT BEFORE. THANK YOU. YOU’RE WELCOME. OKAY, WHAT DOES
THIS MEAN ? I WON’T “S” THE “D”
AND YOU CAN’T “C” ON MY “F”. “I WON’T
SUCK YOUR DICK, YOU CAN’T
COME ON MY FACE.” I PUT IT IN INITIALS
‘CAUSE I THOUGHT
IT SOUNDED BETTER. I WOULDN’T PUT THAT
ON MY RESUME. WELL, THAT’S
MY OLD RESUME. WHAT DOES
“D.P.” STAND FOR ? DOUBLE PENETRATION. “T.P.” ? TRIPLE PENETRATION. “FA/P/LM” ? FARM ANIMALS / PETS /
LUNCH MEAT. “L” INSIDE A “C” ? I WON’T LAY
INSIDE A COFFIN. “F” A “T” ? I WON’T
FIST A TURKEY. “DHD” ON A “HC” ? I WILL NOT SUCK A
DOUBLE-HEADED DILDO
ON A HOVERCRAFT. THAT’S INSANE ! I KNOW, THAT’S WHY
I WON’T DO IT ! “SECRET SANTA” IS THAT
WHAT I HOPE IT IS ? YEAH, YEAH,
EVERY CHRISTMAS, WE DO SECRET SANTA AND I ALWAYS GIVE
THE BEST GIFTS. OH, GREAT ! LIKE ONE YEAR
I GAVE THIS CHICK THE HAND OF ADONIS
WITH THE MINTY GRAB BAG. WHAT WAS THAT ? IT’S A 12-INCH DILDO
WITH BALLS. OKAY WENDY, I’M SORRY. I’D LOVE TO GIVE YOU
YOUR FIRST BREAK, BUT YOU’RE JUST NOT
QUALIFIED FOR THIS JOB. OH,YOUARE, HUH ? I WOULDN’T ACT SO
SUPERIOR IF I WERE YOU. WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE,
40-PLUS YEARS OLD ? AND YOUSETTLEDFOR
MANAGING A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS IN A FRANCHISE
COFFEE SHOP. IS THAT WHAT YOU
DREAMED OF… WHEN YOU WERE
YOUNG… AND BEAUTIFUL ? NO… ( sobbing )
OH CHRIST… I WANTED TO BE
AN ASTRONAUT. HEY… IT’S NEVER TOO LATE
TO BE WHAT WE WANT TO BE. ♪ THE WHORE
AND THE MANAGER ♪ ♪ BOTH TRYIN’ TO
MEND THEIR WAYS ♪ ♪ OHH, HE WANTS TO
LIVE ON THE MOON ♪ ♪ SHE JUST WANTS
TO WORK DAYS ♪ ♪ SHE CAME UP
FROM POVERTY ♪ ♪ AND HE CAME UP
FROM SENSIBLE STUFF ♪ ♪ OHHH, THE WHORE
DREAMS OF LIVING CLEAN ♪ ♪ HE DREAMS OF
LIVING HIS ROUGH ♪ ♪ WHEN GOD
MADE US ALL ♪ ♪ HE HAD A DREAM ♪ ♪ WE WOULD LIVE
OUR OWN WAY… ♪ ♪ AND THE WHORE
AND THE MANAGER ♪ ♪ THEY’LL GET THERE TOO ♪ ♪ BUT THERE’S A PRICE
THEY’LL HAVE TO PAY… ♪ ♪ WE ALL PRAY, PRAYYYY ♪ ♪ WE ALL PRAY,
PRAYYYY ♪ ♪ FOR WHAT
WE HAVE TODAY ♪ YOU’VE GIVEN ME STRENGTH
TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS. I’M GOING TO QUIT THIS PLACE
AND JOIN THE SPACE PROGRAM. GOOD FOR YOU. AND I’M GOING TO
THROW YOU A WILD PARTY, ‘CAUSE I NEVER HAD AN
ASTRONAUT FRIEND BEFORE. ♪ WHAT WE HAVE…
TODAY ♪

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