Society’s Rules About Boobs Make No Sense – Mark Normand

Society’s Rules About Boobs Make No Sense – Mark Normand


– Alright here we are. Comedy, huh? We’re really doing it folks. Yeah good times, you
guys are drinking. That’s fun, I like to drink. I gotta cut back. I actually got let
go from a job once for being drunk at work. Yeah, my boss called me and
he goes, “Get in here Mark. “It’s clear you are a
high-functioning alcoholic.” I was like, “Wow, how did
he know I was also high?” (crowd laughs) This guy is good. One of my friends is like
a beer expert you know. He’s like, “We gotta
go to a brewery”. I’m like, “Why can’t
we just go to a bar?” He’s like, “It’s fun you
can see how it’s made.” I don’t care how its made. Look, I like porn, I don’t
need to go to a broken home. (crowd laughs) Not saying all porns
are a broken home, just the ones I like. (chuckles)
(crowd laughs) But, yeah you gotta drink now. There’s so much tragedy
going on, you know. All these shootings, it’s crazy. I like how they blaming
the video games now. “Video games cause violence.” Come on, video games
don’t cause violence. Video games cause carpal
tunnel and vaginal dryness. (crowd laughs) I know a lot of guys
that play eight hours of video games a day and their girlfriends
are like, “Violent? Psh. “Slap my ass, choke
me, I’m dying here.” (crowd laughs) Look I don’t think games
translate to real life. I grew up playing
Monopoly with my friends. None of them now own property. (chuckles)
(crowd laughs) To be fair, some did
go directly to jail. (chuckles)
(crowd laughs) Me and my friend just watched
a documentary on pedophilia. My friends goes, “Oof, I could
never have sex with a kid. “They’re so annoying.” (crowd laughs) I was like, “That’s it, huh? “That’s the thing
that’s holding you back? “You need a better reason
than that, all right, buddy.” It’s like, “Hey what
happened to Greg?” “He went to prison.” “Why?” “He met a really cool kid.” (crowd laughs) All right, that checks out. You know, you hear all
this pedophilia stuff. Doesn’t it make you glad
that you’re not a pedophile? You ever think about that? Cause they didn’t choose that, they just got dealt a bad hand. We’re extremely lucky. We should be grateful. Think about how
close we all were. When I was in 3rd grade I was
attracted to 3rd grade girls. Now I like adult women. When I was in 3rd grade
I like grape juice. Now I like red wine. But I still like grape juice. (crowd laughs) Holy hell that was close. Thank God my brain just
knew the right way to go. How lucky am I? I live right around here. West Village, fun neighborhood. The gay pride parade
actually goes right by my house everyday. (crowd laughs) I love a gay area. Gay guys are the best. Progressive, non-violent. You never meet any
violent gay guys. There’s no gay gangs that
would just be a musical. (chuckles)
(crowd chuckles) One of my best friends is gay. He’s obsessed with
straight dudes. That’s like his thing. He’s like, “I love
flipping a hetero.” He’s like, “You know
how hard that is? “You know how hard it
is to go out every night “with a bunch of people
you want to have sex with “who don’t want to
have sex with you?” I was like, “That’s
exactly what it’s like “being a straight guy. (crowd laughs) “What the hell are
you talking about. “I would argue it’s just
hard for me to sleep “with a woman as it
is to flip a hetero.” He was like, “No no
no, you have no idea. “You got to take them out
for hours, convince them.” “Yeah yeah, same here.” (crowd laughs) He’s like, “No no no,
even if you do pull it off “which is like a miracle, they
feel horrible afterwards.” “Yeah yeah, same shit.” (crowd laughs) We went back and
forth for hours. Arguing about this all
night back and forth. Eventually, I woke
up at his place. (chuckles)
(crowd laughs) (applause)
Yeah. Women are going through a
lot right now, you know. I went to the women’s
march back in the day and in Midtown, yeah. Although I gotta say I
haven’t heard the word pussy yelled that much since that time I roller
bladed to high school. (crowd laughs) Yeah, that was a tough morning. (crowd laughs) I was a fat kid, you know, yeah. You know what’s weird about men, when men gain weight we
grow female body parts. (crowd laugh) Ladies, you don’t have
to worry about that. If a woman gains weight
she becomes a fat lady. If a guy gains weight, he
also becomes a fat lady. But you don’t grow
male body parts. It’s not like, “Yeah, I saw
Tammy at the beach the other day “and whew she had a
set of balls on her.” (chuckles)
(crowd laughs) There was some perks, some
perks to being a fat kid. I’d go to a sleepover
and my friends are like, “What’s it like
to touch a boob?” I’m like, “You’re in luck.” (crowd laughs) Nobody likes man boobs. Nobody is into them. Nobody likes a
hairy milkless tit. There’s no man boob cleavage, no man boob calendars. Nobody likes them, and
yet man boobs are legal all over the country. A fat guy can just take
his shirt off in Cleveland on the sidewalk. Woman takes her shirt off in
Cleveland, indecent exposure. But those are the
tits we all like. How’d we fuck that up? (crowd laughs) Let’s go through the boob rules. They’re very strange. Female tit exposed, illegal Male tit exposed, legal. Female tit exposed with a
baby sucking on it, legal Male tit exposed with a baby
sucking on it, very illegal.

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    michael gallacher

    Feel as if he need to take a wee break between jokes. I'd litteraly just start laughing and he'd talk again and then id havto put it back to see it

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    Rare Videos by Javier Vargas TV!

    I knew he would be big, just a matter of time 😄been listening to him on pandora for a looooong time now

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    Khyrberos

    That was surprisingly good. Especially how he laughed at his own jokes; I thought I'd get sick of it but somehow I didn't.

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    Ronitimes

    I so agree about that pedophilia bit. I don't sympathize with molesters or anyone who does crime, especially against kids, but you've got to imagine, getting therapy (or help in general) as a pedo must be hard. It's already one thing to admit it, but it's another when the system doesn't even want to help. But ofc, it is also sad since there are enough deranged people out there to ruin any attempts that could be made in the system to rehabilitate pedophiles.

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    grandcarriage1

    He pulled off good, positive spin gay jokes. Level: Comedy Ninja. (And let’s face it, if he were gay, NO PROBLEM getting dates.

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    sprocket685

    I went to an house interior shop and asked for beefcurtains,lady in the store said she never seen seen that kind of curtains. take a peek down ur trousers I said,they look like that xD

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    Peez Doc

    I never noticed he does a "haha" after every joke until he told the story about Seinfeld telling him to stop doing that. Now it's all I hear. Seinfeld kinda ruined him for me…. .. but for real, he's one of the best out there right now….

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    Avery Joycelyn Barakuda Block

    He's pretty good. He's a professional. So why does he keep poking and picking at his body. It's distracting; annoying

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