Stephen Colbert’s LIVE Monologue Part 1: A Whole Lot Of Delaney Fans

Stephen Colbert’s LIVE Monologue Part 1: A Whole Lot Of Delaney Fans


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WE ARE LIVE AFTER NIGHT ONE OF
THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATES, THIS IS THE SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SOE
DEBATE NIGHT: 2 MANY CANDIDATES CNN’S DEBATE WAS BROADCAST FROM
DETROIT’S FOX THEATER. YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: WHEN YOU
THINK CNN, THINK FOX. (LAUGHTER) O
THE DEBATES WERE MODERATED BY JAKE TAPPER, DANA BASH, AND DON
LEMON, OR AS THEY’RE KNOWN BY THEIR CELEBRITY THRUPLE NAME, W
“LEMASH-ERBAPPER.”( LAUGHTER )
THAT WOULD BE NICE. THEY WOULD MAKE A LOVELY
THRUPLE. “LEMASH-ERBAPPER.” IT’S HARD TO SUM UP WHAT YOU
WANT TONIGHT, BUT MOST OF TONIGHT WAS A BUNCH
OF GUYS WITH NO CHANCE TO WIN THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION
YELLING REPUBLICAN TALKING POINTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO CAN. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE SEVEN
DWARVES ALL OFFERING SNOW WHITE A POISON APPLE. THE DEBATE BEGAN WITH OUR
NATIONAL ANTHEM, AND EVERYONE PASSED THE TEST BY HOLDING
THEIR HANDS ON THEIR HEARTS, EXCEPT TIM RYAN UNLESS HE KEEPS
HIS HEART IN HIS SCROTUM.( LAUGHTER )
I’M NOT SURE.( CHEERS )
I THINK HE KEEPS HIS BRAIN THERE. NOT SURE WHERE HE KEEPS THE
BRAIN, EITHER. OPENING STATEMENTS STARTED WITH
LONGSHOTS LIKE SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE WILLIAMSON.>>AN AMORAL ECONOMIC SYSTEM HAS
TURNED SHORT-TERM PROFITS FOR E HUGE MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS
INTO A FALSE GOD. S>>Stephen: (AS WILLIAMSON)
“AS OPPOSED TO THE REAL GOD, SHIVLANI, GODDESS OF LIGHT,
AMETHYSTS AND ESSENTIAL OILS.”( LAUGHTER )
HAIL SHIVLANI. FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR
HICKENLOOPER LAID OUT THE STAKES OF THIS ELECTIONS IN NO
UNCERTAIN TERMS.>>I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR TWO
WHOLE YEARS.>>Stephen: (AS HICKENLOOPER)
“PLEASE, I NEED THIS JOB. I AM IN DEEP– I AM IN DEEP WITH
THE WRONG PEOPLE. IF I DON’T GET $200 BY NOVEMBER,
SPIDER THE JUICEMAN IS COMING FOR MY THUMBS.” TOOK MY THUMBS! THEN BERNIE GOT HIS CHANCE, AND
HE TALKED ABOUT CORPORATE POWER:>>COMPANIES LIKE AMAZON THAT
MADE BILLIONS IN PROFITS DID NOT PAY ONE NICKEL IN FEDERAL INCOME
TAX.>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
“AND ONE NICKEL IS A LOT. T YOU CAN TAKE A STREET CAR TO THE
ZIEGFIELD AND SEE A TALKIE,N SEE A TALKIE. AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT FOR
AN EGG CREAM AT WOOLWORTH’S.”( LAUGHTER )
AFTER MANY OF THE CANDIDATES HAD ATTACKED HER AND BERNIE SANDERS,
ELIZABETH WARREN MADE A CALL FOR PARTY UNITY BY SAYING THIS
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP:>>ANYONE ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT
OR TOMORROW NIGHT WOULD MAKE A FAR BETTER PRESIDENT.>>Stephen: UUUM. EVEN THE GUY WHO THINKS HIS
HEART IS IN HIS JUNK? BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE THAT’S A
GOOD CALL. WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTHCARE,
BERNIE’S A FAN OF OUR NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH.>>FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM HERE,
JOHN, IS A COUNTRY. IT’S CALLED CANADA. THEY GUARANTEE HEALTH CARE TO
EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD AS A HUMAN RIGHT.>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE) “IT’S A MAGICAL LAND WHERE
HEALTH CARE IS FREE, HUGS ARE G MANDATORY, AND THE CURRENCY HAS
BEEN REPLACED WITH MAPLE SYRUP THAT GETS YOU HIGH.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
“YOU CAN RIDE A MOOSE TO A BEAVER FACTORY.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. STEVE BULLOCK ADDRESSED THE
HEALTH CARE ISSUE WITH A PERSONAL STORY.>>NEVER FORGET WHEN MY
12-YEAR-OLD SON HAD A HEART ATTACK WITHIN 24 HOURS OF HIS
LIFE. HAD TO BE LIFEFLIGHTED TO SALT
LAKE CITY, BUT BECAUSE WE HAD GOOD INSURANCE, HE’S HERE WITH
ME TONIGHT.>>Stephen: I AM GLAD GOVERNOR
BULLOCK’S SON IS OKAY. BUT APPARENTLY STEVE BULLOCK’SY,
HEALTHCARE PLAN IS TO ADOPT EVERYONE IN AMERICA? THEN, IF SOMETHING HAPPENS,
WE’RE ALL GOOD.( LAUGHTER )
BERNIE POINTED OUT HOW ENTRENCHED THE CURRENT HEALTH
CARE SYSTEM IS.N >>AND BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY,
THE HEALTH CARE INDUSTRY WILL BE ADVERTISING TONIGHT ON THIS
PROGRAM.>>Stephen: WOW, FOR SOME
REASON BERNIE IS REALLY MAD AT THE ADVERTISERS.M. “I BOUGHT A CATHETER AND LETS
JUST SAY IT WAS NOT SELF- LUBRICATING.” IT WAS LIKE INSERTING A PIXIE
STICK. YES! IT’S SAD BUT IT’S TRUE! AND WHEN IT CAME TO MEDICARE FOR
ALL, BERNIE WAS READY TO THROW DOWN.>>THEY WILL BE BETTER
BECAUSE MEDICARE FOR ALL IS COMPREHENSIVE.OR
IT COVERS ALL HEALTH CARE NEEDS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS. IT WILL FINALLY INCLUDE DENTAL
CARE, HEARING AIDS, AND EYEGLASSES. SECOND OF ALL–
>>YOU DON’T KNOW THAT.>>I DO KNOW THAT. I WROTE THE DAMN BILL
>>Jon: OH, WOE!>>Stephen: BOOM!>>Jon: OH!>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
“I WROTE THE DAMN THING, AND IT’S A GOOD THING YOU GET DENTAL
CARE, TIM, BECAUSE I JUST SLAPPED THE TEETH OUT OF YOUR
DIRTY MOUTH.” “IT’S RAINING CHICKLETS IN
CHEER.” BUT JOHN DELANEY DIDN’T BUY
BERNIE’S HEALTHCARE NUMBERS.>>HIS MATH IS WRONG. THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING, THAT HIS
MATH IS WRONG.>>Stephen: I’M NOT SURE THE GUY
POLLING AT 1% SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT MATH RIGHT NOW. OH, REALLY. WHOLE LOT OF DELANEY FANS HERE
TONIGHT.

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    Andy Macedo

    People are gonna get charged with telecommunications harassment and unauthorized access – plus treason and obstruction of justice ! That's a big time charge ! Wait till my search history and cell records are public ! Omg ! That's why I say everyday it's making things much much worse ! There's people right now that won't ever get out of jail and others that won't be able to get another job or lose their careers ! I just hope it's worth it ? Cause you can't ever win or do anything ! I'm innocent so your two options are killing me or dragging me out of here like a three year old ! Otherwise I'll see u in 14 months next election and buckle up !

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