The Sweaty Column | Two Of These People Are Lying 2×03 | The Technical Difficulties

The Sweaty Column | Two Of These People Are Lying 2×03 | The Technical Difficulties

This is the Technical Difficulties, and we are playing
Two Of These People Are Lying because two of these people will be. – Chris Joel.
– Hello! Gary Brannan. And Churchill said to me, “If you’ve been wearing a thong
the wrong way around for 25 years, “you deserve to be
in the Camel Corps.” And Matt Gray! I like how I have to try and explain it while still laughing at you,
every single time. The three of us have
picked a Wikipedia article, you probably know it by now, and then Tom is shuffling them.
He’s going to pick one. Two of us will be lying
about what that article is, one of us will be telling the truth. And we are talking about, Hagia Sophia. Hag-ee-a Sophia, Hog-ee-u… Matt, how do you pronounce it? Hagia Sophia. I have no idea, I’m just reading
it the same way as you. – Oh, okay, right.
– It’s a band. It’s a band, all right. – Uh, Gary.
– It is a museum in Istanbul. Museum in Istanbul, and Chris. It is the site of a
well-known piece of graffiti. Ooh. That is interesting enough,
we’re going to start with it. Chris, site of a well-known
piece of graffiti. Yeah, it is a holy-site-cum-temple,
somewhere in the Near East, but it’s noted for having
a piece of Viking graffiti that effectively boils down
to, “Halfdan was here.” – Halfdan?
– Halfdan! It’s a good Viking name.
I presume. Presumably he wrote it one-handed
and hopped in or something, I dunno. Is that a whole name, Halfdan? – Yeah, I think it’s Halfdan. You know.
– Right. You could probably do
with the right letters. – Right. Okay.
– I can’t. Gary, a museum in Istanbul. Yes, it has a big dome. I mean, a lot of places in Istanbul do. Yeah, indeed they do, it’s a former site of an orthodox Christian
church, later a mosque, now a museum noted for
interesting things within it, as you often get in former converted site. I mean, generally museums are known
for interesting things within them. – Yes.
– Mmm… I dunno, some museums… Did you go to the
Colour Museum in Bradford? – The what?
– The what? – The Colour Museum.
– Is it just, like, samples of colours? Yeah, because because Bradford used to
be the centre of the wool dying trade. – So you have the colour–
– Oh. You have the Wool Dyers Association,
who set up a museum of colour, and how you doing dying and colours. I was about to write that down, realised it’s got nothing
to do with this whatsoever. – It hasn’t, no.
– Do carry on. But an interesting little
vignette for you there. Yes, the museum in
Istanbul with a big dome. Yeah, and things within it. What can I say? Some of the things within it
would be a start! Right, there’s doors. I’m not pissing about, there’s doors. There’s the Emperor’s Door,
which was a door that would be proceeded
through by emperors. There’s what was described
as the Nice Door, which is a particularly
fine example, and– There’s the back door,
and then the side door. And a Sweaty Column. I beg your pardon? A sweaty, it’s described
as the Sweating Column. The stone perspires. – It is very euphemistic.
– Yeah. Sweating or sweaty? Well, either probably fits, does it not? The one causes the other. The Sweaty Column and a load of doors
in a museum in Istanbul with a big dome. Correct, that’s not…
that’s genuinely what that is. Because the Sweating Column
is where the heat transfers and the water comes out, and obviously it’s been
used as a devotional thing, ’cause it heals ailments
and stuff like that. Does it, though? Yeah? Site of controversy, obviously. Erdogan in Turkey has tried
to bring it back into religious use. All right, Matt, it’s a band. They’re a folk band. Folk band, right, okay. And they are from the Scottish Highlands. Scottish Highlands. And I’ve, once again, I
should’ve done more research. I’ve picked another article
that didn’t have too much on it, so I clicked through to their website, and they are playing
Chelmsford Folk Festival on Thursday. – Oh.
– I mean, that’s unhelpful for everyone who’s
watching this months later. – Yeah, but–
– Yeah, but it’s good for us. Who’d have thought Chelmsford
would have a folk festival? It seems like reasonable
place to have a folk festival. – If it was the, the, the–
– The, the, the, the– But then again, it’s a
place with folk in it, so I suppose it can work
for a folk festival. It’s a festival of folk. Just a long parade of random people. This is a folk, here’s some folk. So they’re playing Chelmsford
Folk Festival on Thursday. – Yes.
– And I looked through to their website. The Wikipedia doesn’t
list any articles or… albums or singles or anything,
which intrigued me, which is the main reason I
clicked on their website. They have a Bandcamp. – So they just release stuff in fits and starts.
– Nice. Why do they qualify for
a Wikipedia article? Is it just like someone from
the band’s made this, or… ♪ It’s called a stub… ♪ It didn’t say it was a stub,
but it was stub length. I like how I can’t get a whole sentence out
without being interrupted today. Do you like that?
‘Cause it’d really annoy me. Well, it’s handy the times
I was making things up, because then I had more time to think. But yeah, it was a short article. It didn’t complain about being a stub,
or just being promotional, but I think it’s so small no one cares. All right. Man. Gary, I don’t think it’s the museum. Okay. I think there are a lot
of places like that, but I think it fell apart
on the phrase Sweaty Column. As has often been the
problem in my career. Chris, I think that’s a
genuine piece of graffiti, I just think it’s probably
not in that place. I don’t think that that works. Matt, I think it’s a folk band with
a tiny stub article. Am I right? – No!
– Oh, no. Okay, did you just make that
up with no detail whatsoever? Yes. Right, well you get the
point, and the question is, Chris, should I have picked you again? No… however. So, the Hagia Sophia.
Yep. Is a near-Eastern religious site. Yeah, that’s what you said. It is now a museum, with
a sweaty column in it that exists in much the
way that Gary describes it. Oh, had Gary picked an article that
you already knew something about? And, it has in it a piece of
Viking graffiti what says, “Halfdan was here.” I don’t understand. Gary’s was true, but I
knew something about it. But enough not to tread on his toes. So you’re both right? I’m so confused! So only one of these people
were lying! “At the northwest of the building, “there is a column with
a hole in the middle, “covered by bronze plates. “The column goes by different names,
The Perspiring Column, “The Wishing Column, the Sweaty Column,
or the Crying Column.” So you were both– “The column is said to be damp when
touched and has supernatural powers, “because St. Gregory the Miracle-Worker
appeared near the column in 1200, “and since then it has been moist.” So I could have picked either of you. If you’d’ve picked me, you
would’ve technically been wrong. Not my article, but that is
a true fact about that place. Oh, that’s cruel. That’s cruel, but it doesn’t matter
because I picked the one person– Who was definitely lying. Excellent, lovely. Gary, go get yourself a new article. We’ll be back in a moment. Gary has gone and got a new article.
I’m going to pick one off here. And for the second half,
we are talking about Batlow. Batlow. Starting with Gary on this one, I think. Gary, could you please
tell me about Batlow? Batlow is a river in North Yorkshire. All right, that’s exactly what I thought
it was, looking at that title. Fair enough. It has the unique distinction
of being the shortest river in the county. Shortest in the county. Being three feet long. I’m laughing at the look on Tom’s face. The River Batlow is, in fact, an trench. In the geography community,
that is why it is notable in that there is obviously a lot of debate
over whether it is a river or just, ya know, a big trenchy puddle. Well, it’s a small trench.
I’s not even a big trench. But because it’s on a slope,
it has a feeder at the top. so it’s got a spring at
the top that’s feeding it. Just playing the same set
over and over again. – And it flows–
– Has it got a CD player, player, player? Yes, it has. If you were to park next to it,
which is very difficult– And one leather seat that’s
been thrown in there. And it could, because it flows– With cider. Into another larger– Lemon. F***ing hell. Into another larger tributary, therefore it classes under the definition
of what people say is rivers, as a river. Now, do you remember back when
we did the first run of these? Yeah? That I was quite rude
in one of the early episodes. I just kind of immediately struck one off,
because I didn’t believe it at all. Tell ya what, readers, let’s see how
this one pans out for Colonel Cockypants sat diagonally– Unfortunately, unfortunately,
the thing that killed it was “three feet”, because —
and you weren’t to know this, Gary, you weren’t to know this. But by the time this episode
of the show has gone out, I will have done a video
about the shortest rivers in the world. – Oh, s***.
– And– I mean, I vouchsafe your
research came up short. – Ahh.
– Hey, short! Chris. Batlow. Batlow is a small village in Shropshire. Village in Shropshire, yep, and Matt. It’s a town in New South Wales. Town in New South Wales, ah. The same place in Australia
you went for last time, when you needed to quickly grab– Oh s***, it was, wasn’t it? Oh, this might be a quick one. – All right, let’s, let’s… let’s go.
– That’s what you usually say. Oh, you’ve wounded him
with your striking out. I’m going to ask both of you,
and take this in whichever order you like, what is significant about those towns? Mine’s not a town, you weren’t listening. – It’s a village.
– It’s a village. What is significant
about those conurbations? – Apples.
– That’s a strong start. I think he’s talking about mine. – Apples, what about ’em?
– Remember we touched on – the Big Lobster in the past?
– Oh yes. – LOBBO!
– LOBBO! A long, long time ago. Can we get one of those
link bubbles, please? Just ’cause it is the primogenesis
of this horrible mistake. Originally founded in the late 1800s, as a place where there was gold. – Someone went, “Hey look–”
– Gold! “Bet there’s some gold here.” Then the gold ran out,
and then they went– “There’s no gold here!” Oh, let’s grow some apples. – I mean, that’s–
– In the gold mine. It’s in Wynyard County. Wynyard County, not Vineyard County. Wynyard County. Yeah, Wynyard County. It’s spelled W-Y-N yard. Oh, Wynyard. Wynyard County, all right. Ahh, that’s all possible.
I don’t see anything wrong with that. Chris, the village in Shropshire. Batlow? Formerly a hamlet? All right. Became a village in 1953, when it eventually grew large
enough to be listed as such? All right. Named for Battle Low, the low ground on which the
battle was fought in 1210? Oh! It’s a difficult one. I mean, it’s not a
difficult one with Gary, but it’s a difficult one
between Chris and Matt. Pff, careful– It’s a good job he’s drinking
out of a mug, I think you’d have been glassed by now. Yeah, all I’ve got to say is one thing:
“Careful, Icarus.” It was just a really
unlucky guess, that’s all! If it turns out it is, then frankly– You’ve got another f***ing
video to make, haven’t you? If it is, if it is, I didn’t need to go to
Finland for that video. Is that a humble brag?
I think it might be. It totally is. – And you’ve been to Finland?
– Uh-huh. Did you go through the airport? That’s right, you went to Finland– Yes, I did! You’re really good at things in Finland and scotching them out
quickly, aren’t you, Tom? Because you knew all about the airport,
and the little kebab. So maybe the short river
in Finland, maybe– Sorry, the short river where? In Finland, as you just said, might be where you come up
short in Finnish things. Matt, I think it’s you. I think it’s your village
in New South Wales, am I right? Yes, its town sign says
Batlow with a big apple, and underneath it says Famous for Apples. I don’t know why I’m miming it,
I can show you a picture. That’s great, I need that. I mean, you know what,
that’s on the nose enough, I like that. Don’t mess around. Famous for apples. It is named after a Mr. Batlow, who surveyed a town site
nearby the mining area, and was renamed Batlow in 1889. What was it called before? Please tell me it had a proper crappy name
like S*** Creek or something like that. Yes! Reedy Creek. That’s the name for Disneyland–
Disney World’s area, isn’t it, Reedy Creek? – Is it?
– Yeah. It was established around
the Reedy Flat post office. – Ahh.
– Reedy Flat. Who was posting letters there
if there’s no one living there? That was a really unlucky
thread to go on, Gary. I would’ve absolutely gone for it. It was the words “three feet” that gave you, if you’d have said 20 metres,
if you’d said 100 I’d have completely gone for it. But a three-foot river? Could happen. It would be a puddle, mate. If anyone’s done research
in the last two months, it’s him. Yeah, but what makes a river then? Cause I thought if it’s got
a feed water at the top– Well, you’ll just have to watch the video. Self-promoting f***! Chris, sorry it was– No, it’s fine. It was a tough choice between
two plausible towns there. We still don’t have an outro. Bye!


  1. Post
    Matt and Tom

    Later research reveals that it's actually the "Sweating Column". We probably don't need to issue an actual correction for that. [And an update in response to comments: nope, somehow "Hagia Sophia" is a gap in my knowledge. I've never played Civilisation. If I recognise the topic, we pick a new one and reshoot.] — Tom

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    cpt nordbart

    Yeah, I knew about the Viking Graffiti and the Hagia Sophia as well. I thought you all just told the Truth for once.
    Also shortest river? I thought Tom made a video about this.
    Edit: NVM

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    Michael Berthelsen

    Getting to Batlo, Gary plays it off as a 3ft river, and we KNOW Scott has made an entire VIDEO about 'shortest rivers'…😅😅😅

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    Dancing Rain

    Speaking of short rivers… Why did your short river video not mention the D River in Lincoln City, Oregon, US? There is a sign next to the river that reads
    "D River
    World's Shortest"

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    well, i smell fish. this has to be acted. there's no way on earth tom does not know Hagia Sophia. just no. it's in, i don't know, all and every history textbook and art book for schools. really, less astonishing would be he didn't know Cologne Cathedral, Taj Mahal or Eiffel tower.

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    Robert Ewing

    I'm amazed. How did Tom not know about one of the wonders of the world, a world famous church turned mosque. It's not like a niche thing these guys usually talk about. It's a very famous destination in Turkey.

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    I know my opinion means nothing in the general sense of things but I feel that if one of the liars is telling you true facts about the subject then he is in fact not lying and picking them should be points in toms favour. The game is "Two of these people are lying" So i feel it is unfair if one of the liars is in fact not lying at all. (I may go as far as to not award any points to the liar in that case too as he is, one again, not lying).
    That's just my thoughts about this though.

  20. Post

    I was thrown off by Batlow. We don't have counties here in Australia, and everyone here knows that the Big Apple is in the Stanthorpe region of Queensland. But Matt was right. Counties were once used and are still occasionally referenced, and there is a second Big Apple in Batlow, NSW.

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    Frank Harr

    The Beautiful Door is a particularly fine example of Doorness.

    You need more than three topics at a time. Or a die or a less-obcessive commentator or something. because that shuffle was not convincing.

    How do you not know what the hell that is??? Where have you been all your life???

    I think that if a person's article gets chosen and it's a lie, they should get two points. Just inventing points on the fly is weirdly quantum.

    You guys and the folks from Broadwaves should get together an discuss outro ideas.

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    Cirdon91 Pokévids

    I'd like to join the crowd expressing shock that Tom didn't instantly recognize one of the most famous buildings in all of Turkey.

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    When I saw "Hagia Sophia" I was like "Oh it's another Green Monster situation where something has the same name as another much more famous thing." But nope. Actual Hagia Sophia. So interesting since it's like taught to 11-year-olds as curriculum here…

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    Sam Cox

    I'm amazed that everyone in the comments knows what the Hagia Sophia is.
    Never heard of it.
    No I haven't played Civ or Assassins Creed

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    Artus Nemati

    To be fair to Tom, Gary did about as poor of a job describing the Hagia Sophia as he could. Looking at the Wikipedia article, he read the top summary and skimmed the Notable Elements section.

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    Felicia Barker

    Came to post 'Amazed Tom didn't know the Hagia Sofia' like everyone else (Edit: To be clear, this is a comment on Tom's breadth of knowledge, not his ignorance.)

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    Emperor Leachicus

    When the Hagia Sofia turned up I was genuinely surprised that I recognised it immediately, but only from AC: Revelations and not being able to find a mission that started right at the top of the column.

    I really would’ve imagined that Tom would know what it was though, considering everywhere he’s been.

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    Felicia Barker

    Is this where Tom got the idea for the shortest river video? Edit: This got answered a minute later, and that is an amazing coincidence.

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    Suzy Lightning

    I know literally everyone has already commented this but it’s still so crazy to me that Tom hasn’t heard of the Hagia Sofia. Also, as someone who’s visited it, hearing everyone in the video mispronounce ‘hagia’ was pretty painful…

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    As a resident of New South Wales, I knew the Batlow one so quickly because so many of our apple stickers say Batlow on them!

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