Trump Just Wants To Be On Primetime TV

Trump Just Wants To Be On Primetime TV


WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LET’S HEAR IT FOR MY WARM UP ACT
TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP. ( APPLAUSE )
AMERICA’S FAVORITE FUNNYMAN ADDRESSED THE NATION ON ALL THE
BROADCAST AND CABLE NEWS NETWORKS, EXPLAINING WHY HE SHUT
DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR HIS BORDER WALL. SO, BY THE TIME THAT THIS IS
BROADCAST, WE’RE EITHER IN A BRAND-NEW STATE OF EMERGENCY, OR
THE SAME ONE WE’VE BEEN IN SINCE NOVEMBER OF 2016. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAS THIS A FIRST? IT WAS TRUMP’S FIRST
PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS FROM THE OVAL OFFICE. THAT FEELS — WEIRD. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS SO SHAKEN ON ELECTION NIGHT IS THAT
I FORESAW THINGS LIKE THIS COMING. YOU KNOW, IT’S LIKE WHEN YOUR
COUSIN’S STAYING WITH YOU AND HE BRINGS HIS DOG, YOU IMMEDIATELY
IMAGINE IT POOPING ON YOUR RUG. ( LAUGHTER )
AND EVENTUALLY, IT DOES. NOW, NORMALLY, PRIME TIME
PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESSES ARE FOR IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE EISENHOWER
EXPLAINING WHY HE’S SENDING TROOPS TO DESEGREGATE THE
SCHOOLS, OR OBAMA DECLARING THE END OF COMBAT OPERATIONS IN
IRAQ, OR BILL CLINTON ANNOUNCING —
(AS CLINTON) “HEY, AMERICA, I GOT SOME
ACTION. I’M SO SORRY. ( LAUGHTER )
“SO SORRY.” TRUMP’S ADDRESS PRE-EMPTED OUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED CBS PROGRAMMING, “F.B.I.” NOT THE FIRST TIME HE’S
INTERFERED WITH AN F.B.I. INVESTIGATION. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK. I THINK. RIGHT? I THINK TRUMP GAVE THAT SPEECH
BECAUSE HE MISSES BEING ON PRIMETIME TELEVISION. NEXT IT’S GONNA BE —
(AS TRUMP) “HELLO, ‘SHARK TANK,’ I AM
ASKING FOR $5.7 BILLION DOLLARS FOR A BORDER WALL. OKAY. I HAVE SOLD ZERO UNITS, AND ALSO
I AM VERY AFRAID OF SHARKS.”>>FOR THAT REASON, I’M OUT. OKAY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: NOW, WE TAPE THIS SHOW AT 5:30, SO I DON’T KNOW
WHAT MY REACTION TO THE SPEECH WILL HAVE BEEN, SO I’M JUST
GOING TO COVER MY BASES. IT’S EITHER CONGRATULATIONS,
MR PRESIDENT. GLAD YOU INTERRUPTED OUR LIVES
SO YOU COULD READ YOUR TWEETS OUT LOUD. ( LAUGHTER )
OR, MY GOD, HE JUST CONFESSED TO EVERYTHING —
RUSSIA, OBSTRUCTION, HIS DAD SHOT WARREN G. HARDING! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE HANDED OVER
THE PRESIDENCY TO MICHELLE OBAMA AND THEN GOT INTO THE BACK OF A
PADDY WAGON, SCREAMING “I’M THE REAL CHRISTMAS QUEEN!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THOSE PROBABLY WON’T
HAPPEN.>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: TRUMP FACES AN
UPHILL BATTLE SELLING HIS VERSION OF THE SHUTDOWN
BECAUSE POLLS SAY TRUMP IS BLAMED FOR THE SHUTDOWN BY 51%
VERSUS ONLY 32% WHO BLAME DEMOCRATS. HUH. I WONDER WHERE THEY GOT THAT
IDEA?>>I AM PROUD TO SHUT DOWN THE
GOVERNMENT FOR BORDER SECURITY CHUCK. SO, I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE. I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT
DOWN. I’M NOT GONNA BLAME YOU FOR IT. THE LAST TIME YOU SHUT IT DOWN
IT DIDN’T WORK. I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE OF
SHUTTING DOWN.>>STEPHEN: OOH, FOILED AGAIN BY
TRUMP’S ARCH-NEMESIS — HIS MOUTH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, MOUTH! AS I SAID, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT
TRUMP SAID IN HIS SPEECH TONIGHT, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE
WERE WORRIED THAT HE’D DECLARE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY, WHICH WOULD
ALLOW HIM TO CONSTRUCT A BORDER WALL WITHOUT CONGRESSIONAL
APPROVAL. AND THAT’S RIGHT UP TRUMP’S
ALLEY. REMEMBER, HE GOT ELECTED WITHOUT
THE VOTERS’ APPROVAL. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF THE NATIONAL EMERGENCIES ACT, WHICH WAS
SIGNED INTO LAW BY PRESIDENT GERALD FORD BACK IN 1976. AT THE TIME, FORD NEEDED THE
EMERGENCY POWERS TO RESPOND TO AN EPIDEMIC OF DISCO FEVER. ( LAUGHTER )
SO SAD. SO TRAGIC. WE LOST A LOT OF GOOD MEN. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, HERE’S THE THING — THE ESSENTIALLY ALLOWS TRUMP TO
PRONOUNCE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY ON A WHIM. CLARIFYING WHAT THE FOUNDERS
LAID OUT IN THE CONSTITUTION — “SHOULD THERE ARISE A NATIONAL
EMERGENCY, POWER SHALL BE VESTED IN THE PRESIDENT TO DO WHATEVS.” ( LAUGHTER )
UNFORTUNATELY, THE ACT OFFERS NO DEFINITION OF “EMERGENCY.” WE’RE IN WHAT LEGAL SCHOLARS
CALL AN “‘AIR BUD’ SCENARIO.” “AIN’T NOTHIN’ IN THE RULEBOOK
THAT SAYS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER CAN’T DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE OF THE STRANGEST POWERS THE PRESIDENT GETS DURING A NATIONAL
EMERGENCY ALLOWS HIM OR HER TO SUSPEND THE LAW THAT BARS
GOVERNMENT TESTING OF BIOLOGICAL AND CHEMICAL AGENTS ON UNWITTING
HUMAN SUBJECTS. THEY CLEARLY ALREADY STARTED ON
STEPHEN MILLER. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU MONSTERS! HE’S A HUMAN BEING! OR HE WAS. IF THIS SOUNDS HYSTERICAL AND
CRAZY, REMEMBER — IN THE PAST, WE’VE RELIED ON PRESIDENTS TO
USE SELF-DISCIPLINE WHEN IT COMES TO EMERGENCY POWERS. AND, SURE, LINCOLN WAS ABLE TO
RESTRAIN HIMSELF, BUT LINCOLN ALSO KNEW HOW TO CLOSE AN
UMBRELLA. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP IS GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME CLAIMING THAT THERE’S
A NATIONAL IMMIGRATION EMERGENCY BECAUSE, UNDER HIS
PRESIDENCY, ILLEGAL CROSSINGS HAVE HIT A 20 YEAR LOW. AS REPUBLICAN POLITICAL
CONSULTANT STUART STEVENS PUT IT, “THERE ARE NUMEROUS EXAMPLES
OF PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESSES MADE TO CALM A FRIGHTENED PUBLIC. THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TO
FRIGHTEN A CALM PUBLIC.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT’S NICE. AND TO START STOKING THE FEAR,
THEY EVEN PULLED MIKE PENCE AWAY FROM HIS MEAL OF TAP WATER AND
HARD-BOILED TOAST TO PREVIEW TRUMP’S SPEECH ON EVERY
CHANNEL –>>HE’LL TALK ABOUT THE 17,000
PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL RECORDS THAT WE’VE APPREHENDED AT OUR
BORDER. LAST YEAR ALONE, 17,000
INDIVIDUALS WITH CRIMINAL HISTORIES WERE APPREHENDED AT
OUR SOUTHERN BORDER. THE APPREHENSION IN THE LAST
YEAR OF 17,000 INDIVIDUALS AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER WITH
PREVIOUS CRIMINAL HISTORIES.>>STEPHEN: 17,000 PEOPLE WITH
CRIMINAL HISTORIES? WOW. ALMOST AS MANY AS THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. YEAH. AND, YEAH, BUT NO. SEE, THAT 17,000 COUNTS EVERYONE
WHO WAS STOPPED BORDER PATROL AT EVERY POSSIBLE U.S. POINT OF
ENTRY AND TURNED AWAY. FOR ANY REASON. IN FACT, AT ALL BORDERS,
EVERYWHERE, 360,000 INDIVIDUALS WERE APPREHENDED BY BORDER
PATROL. OF THOSE, ONLY 6,200 WERE FOUND
TO HAVE CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS. AND, OF THAT, 13%– OR 800
PEOPLE– HAVE RECORDS OF VIOLENCE OR CONVICTIONS FOR
SEXUAL OR FIREARMS OFFENSES. THAT’S A RATIO OF 1 TO 450. BY CONTRAST, ONE IN 12 ADULT
AMERICAN CITIZENS HAS A FELONY CONVICTION. ONE IN TWELVE. THAT MEANS 33 PEOPLE IN THIS
ROOM ARE CRIMINALS. ( LAUGHTER )
JOE? ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) EXPLAINS THE BLACK HAT. AND THAT’S NOT ALL. OF THE PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL
RECORDS THAT CROSSED THE BORDER, ALMOST HALF OF THEM WERE
CONVICTED FOR ILLEGALLY ENTERING OR REENTERING THE UNITED STATES. GOT IT, SO HALF THE CRIMINALS
TRYING TO CROSS THE BORDER ARE ONLY CRIMINALS FOR TRYING TO
CROSS THE BORDER. IT’S A REAL CATCH-22. IN THAT THEY SAID THEY CAUGHT
17,000 BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE 22. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT MIKE PENCE WASN’T THE ONLY ONE MAKING UP A BIG SCARY
NUMBER. HERE’S SARAH HUCKASANDS ON FOX
NEWS SUNDAY.>>WE KNOW THAT ROUGHLY, NEARLY
4,000 KNOWN OR SUSPECTED TERRORISTS COME INTO OUR COUNTRY
ILLEGALLY, AND WE KNOW THAT OUR MOST VULNERABLE POINT OF ENTRY
IS AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.>>WAIT, WAIT, WAIT– I KNOW THE
STATISTIC, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO USE IT. BUT I STUDIED UP ON THIS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THOSE 4,000
PEOPLE COME– WHERE THEY’RE CAPTURED? AIRPORTS.>>NOT ALWAYS.>>AT AIRPORTS.>>CERTAINLY A LARGE NUMBER–
>>THE STATE DEPARTMENT SAYS THERE HASN’T BEEN ANY TERRORISTS
THAT THEY’VE FOUND COMING ACROSS THE SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MEXICO.>>IT’S BY AIR, IT’S BY LAND AND
IT’S BY SEA. IT’S ALL OF THE ABOVE.>>STEPHEN: YEAH, THEY’RE COMIN’
BY AIR, LAND, SEA, OUTER SPACE. HELL, THE SKRULLS CAN DISGUISE
THEMSELVES AS ANYTHING. EVEN OLD LADIES! BUT CAPTAIN MARVEL’S HERE TO
KICK SOME ASS. AND LOOK HOW YOUNG SAM JACKSON
IS! WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT. RIGHT, NATIONAL EMERGENCY. ANYWAY, SO THESE TERRORISTS ARE
NOT COMING THROUGH THE SOUTHERN BORDER. AND THEY ALSO MIGHT NOT BE
TERRORISTS. TURNS OUT ONLY SIX MIGRANTS–
NOT SANDERS’ CLAIM OF 4,000– ON THE TERROR WATCH LIST WERE
DETAINED. YES, SIX. ROUGHLY ONE BOY BAND OF
TERRORISTS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT REMEMBER, ONE OF THEM IS THE BAD BOY. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( SINGING ) WITH SO MANY FALSE STATEMENTS
COMING OUT OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, FOLKS HAVE NOT
BEEN EXPECTING TONIGHT’S SPEECH TO CONTAIN A LOT OF TRUTH. IN FACT, A EUROPEAN GAMBLING
SITE WAS TAKING BETS ABOUT HOW MANY FALSE STATEMENTS WILL
PRESIDENT TRUMP MAKE DURING TUESDAY NIGHT’S TELEVISED
ADDRESS? THE OVER UNDER IS AT 3.5
TAKE THE OVER! ( LAUGHTER )
“GOOD EVENING.” (BUZZER)
“MY FELLOW AMERICANS.” (BUZZER)
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, IT MIGHT BE JUST ONE
CONSTANT LIE BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON TRUMP SAID THAT HE IS
WRITING THE SPEECH HIMSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
NO, I BELIEVE HIM. I BELIEVE HIM PAUSE CBS HAS
OBTAINED AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE SPEECH —
“MEXICANS BAD. WALL GOOD. LIE.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, BEER. STICK AROUND!

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    walter t hawman jr

    Trump, once again more than likely unknowingly has put himself in another legal investigation if anyone bothers to read the US Patriot Act of 2001: Section 802: Definition of a Domestic Terrorist, which states:

    SEC. 802. DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC TERRORISM.

    (a) DOMESTIC TERRORISM DEFINED- Section 2331 of title 18, United States Code, —

    the term `domestic terrorism' means activities that–

    `(A) involve acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State;

    `(B) appear to be intended–

    (`(i) to intimidate or coerce a civilian population;
    )
    (`(ii) to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion;)

    `(iii) to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination, or kidnapping; and

    `(C) occur primarily within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States.'.

    So even if he is never tried for anything else, he could always be tried for Violating this law signed by his Republican predecessor on October 26th, 2001.

    If anyone bothered to actually read any of it, for that matter.

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    Allan Hegyes

    The saddest fact is that 32% of those polled believe it's the Democrats fault, I guess that clip wasn't shown on Fox newz.

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    Edita1

    Colbert- do u know, making fun of terrorism makes u a murderer- accomplice- more than 3OO europeans died already, thanx to u & the likes of u.

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    Bo Magnussen

    I know this has been said before but for GODS SAKE shut the band leader up! Does Colbert owe him money or something? Why dont they tell him to shut up?
    And this is only because of his incoherent utterances. Not because jazz is shit. Although that doesnt help.

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    Brian Lewis

    Trump: " I am proud to shutdown the government."

    32% of America: " It's because of the Democrats."

    Me: 🤔 Trump ™+ border wall = free publicity

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    Fiddle Sticks

    Someone quick get Humpty Trumpty, a wheelbarrow full of bricks & cement, so that ”He” can build his wall. 🤣

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    Lenard Brown

    The GOP had control of the House and Senate when Benedict Donald slimmed into office. They could have the passed the Wall Bill the first day. The GOP and BD have had had two years of total control to pass funding for the wall.

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    Jeff John

    Putin has video of minor female prostitutes urinating on him. Trump is is more than sick. He is a creation of his sick parents. He was a sociopath , psychotic made, by his upbringing. Watch the the Andrew quianin show on Netflix. The man, trump is physcoctic.

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    InterestsMayVary 4432

    Mike Pence, uber Christian. Has no problem lying (which is on God's top ten list) but cannot abide homosexuality which barely got a mention in the entire book. Yay, Christian hypocrisy!

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    PewPewsAlote

    17 thousand people with criminal histories, wow, that's almost absolutely no-where near the hundreds of thousands of AMERICANS being affected by the government shutdown.

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    Lorna Nunez

    Really trump can't see that if he use that wall mony to make shore veteran's life are better. He would get a lot of votes RESPECT & good carma.

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    James James

    Humpy Trumpy tried to build a HATE wall
    Humpy Trumpy sat an his wall
    Humpy Trumpy had a great fall
    All of Fox men and all of Fox and Friends tried to put Humpy Trumpy back together again

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    Gloria Cook

    JohnCook Australia 🇦🇺. It’s official. Trump is not a fair dinkum American born citizen. That’s right . Little Donnie was born in Chernobyl and was adopted by the Trump family. He was exposed to radiation poisoning and he will be suffering from some strange symptoms. Discoloring of the skin is common and tint hands. Not being able to tell the truth and a very low IQ are also giveaways. Claiming you are a genius and declaring that you know everything about everything is another problem for the patient of radiation poisoning. Our case study also had a problem with cats 🐈 in that he always wanted to grab them.
    There is a cure for this affliction that involves locking the patient in a padded cell for several years . Maybe 36 years should be enough.

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    DanGan808 Ella

    Oh Captain Marvel, where art thou? I’d pay money to watch a movie where she smacks Donald around for 2 hrs! Hell yea!

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    Richard Hedd

    Why hasn’t impeachment started? The mueller report isn’t needed. Trumps impeachable right now! “Hell no, the loser has got to go!”

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    Tim Edmonds

    Steve funny guy..he does read CUE cards and is told what to say..

    Always good to do your own research if you love your country.

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    Harrison Jourdan

    I don’t know what’s better. The fact that she got fact checked, or that it was by Fox News.

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    Gerard Whittaker

    If trump is so eager to be on national TV. Bring his treason trial forward. He will be quite at home. Probably won't even realise it is a trial.

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    Debra Lawrence

    Trump makes your show! Without him what material would you have? You’re a jerk and can’t hold a light to this GREAT President. He will go down in history as a the one who saved us! You’ll just go down!!!!

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    Pablo Fernández

    Obama, converting the drone stealth bombers (Northrop Grumman X-47B) into refuel planes!, that is a great joke, as well as giving immigrants free health care in a country with 20 times the health care cost of Spain.

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    Pablo Fernández

    Other great joke, Bill Clinton giving free & tax free access to China to USA and all their allies,… while "allowing them to do whatever they want" for the next years,China came so to WTO, with NON NEED to comply rules!

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    Pablo Fernández

    Ah, I forgot the last Key best Demo-Communist deal, the nice IRAN deal, Iran was ALLOWED to build all kind of missiles and NUKES!, the contract only reuqired TO WAIT! 15 years!!!!?!?!?! – what a fuck! –

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    Pablo Fernández

    Yes, they cross to USA: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-10-20/central-american-migrants-in-clash-at-mexico-border/10399802

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    bepowerification

    I am 40 now and I never thought I would say that about a woman but: I'd really like to punch Sarah Sanders. she's heavier than me so that should be ok though..

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    FranzmusAusus Puffgrinker

    The Book Campaign, Work, and Invention, Herna'n Corte's, Xenophon, and Superheroes, Dowries, Line of Eld:
    Why don't I just find my own knight's campaign? It'll be all freebies for "the people". F$&k Y%u! Three blind knights, three blind knights. ..hilarious! Freebie666, science versus religion. I ain't no fing line of Eld. Good luck freebie freaks…if you want a knight's campaigns then shell it out out buddies! Csl. Who pays a hundred thousand for a university library?

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    Sven Frontin-Rollet

    #FNS how do you put any of this administration on TV (Trump administration) – the truth will set you free!

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    Mike Mcgarity

    Well now I see America has 2 liars trump and pence. Best thing to do islock them.up In orange jump suit and give American people some sanity

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    Omar Khalil

    im not angered at anything that mentally ill president is doing im more angry at the sane people that keep regurgitating his lies!

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    Loren Renee

    Um, if we are catching all these people at the border crossings, why do we need a wall? Sounds like border patrol has got it.

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