Trump’s Allies In Congress Don’t Care How History Will Remember Them


TRUMP ALSO COMPLAINED ABOUT THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE INSPECTOR GENERAL’S REPORT THAT WAS
RELEASED EARLIER THIS WEEK. TRUMP CLAIMED THAT THE I.G. FOUND A SERIOUS BREACH OF HIS
CAMPAIGN’S RIGHTS.>>THEN, THE INSPECTOR GENERAL’S
SHOCKING REPORT PROVED THAT THE OBAMA F.B.I. OBTAINED SECRET
WARRANTS TO SPY ON MY CAMPAIGN. THE F.B.I. ALSO SENT MULTIPLE
UNDERCOVER HUMAN SPIES TO SURVEIL AND RECORD PEOPLE
ASSOCIATED WITH OUR CAMPAIGN.>>Stephen: OKAY, THAT’S A
BOLD CLAIM. HOWEVER, THE INSPECTOR GENERAL,
MICHAEL HOROWITZ, TESTIFIED ON CAPITOL HILL TODAY AND HIS
REPORT DOESN’T SAY WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID IT DID.>>DID YOU FIND ANYTHING WHERE
THE F.B.I. PLANTED SPIES IN MR. TRUMP’S CAMPAIGN?>>WE FOUND NO USE OF
CONFIDENTIAL HUMAN SOURCES AND PLACING THEM IN THE CAMPAIGN.>>Stephen: OKAY, NO HUMAN
SOURCES. HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
ANIMALS. BUT I SEEM TO REMEMBER AN
ENORMOUS MANATEE IN A MAN-SUIT CALLING MEXICANS RAPISTS AND
ASKING RUSSIA TO RELEASE HILLARY’S EMAILS. I MEAN, THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE
HIM A CONVINCING COSTUME– THE SKIN WAS ALL LOOSE AND ORANGE,
THAT COULD HAVE– THAT COOCH– THAT ALMOST DESTROYED HIS
CAMPAIGN.( APPLAUSE )
SO TRUMP GOT THAT WRONG. BIG DEAL. BUT THE F.B.I. SHOULD HOLD OFF
ON THE VICTORY LAP, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE I.G., THE
F.B.I. GOT A LOT OF STUFF WRONG, TOO, STARTING WITH HOW SLOPPY
THEY WERE WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING SURVEILLANCE WARRANTS ON
AMERICAN CITIZENS.>>WE FOUND THAT INVESTIGATORS
FAILED TO MEET THEIR BASIC OBLIGATIONS OF ENSURING THAT THE
FISA APPLICATIONS WERE SCRUPULOUSLY ACCURATE. WE IDENTIFIED SIGNIFICANT
INACCURACIES AND OMISSIONS IN EACH OF THE FOUR APPLICATIONS.>>Stephen: THERE WAS A BUNCH
OF THEM. ONE APPLICATION OMITTED THE FACT
THAT CARTER PAGE WAS A GOVERNMENT INFORMANT, ONE RELIED
TOO MUCH ON THE STEELE DOSSIER, AND ONE OF THEM WAS JUST,
“INVESTIGATE THIS GUY, CUZ, YEAH.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
HOROWITZ SAID THAT THERE WERE
F.B.I. AGENTS BOTH PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-TRUMP ASSIGNED TO THE CASE,
BUT LINDSEY GRAHAM WANTED TO FOCUS ON TWO IN PARTICULAR:
FAMED F.B.I. LOVERS PETER STRZOK AND LISA PAGE, AND HE READ THEIR
TEXTS OUT LOUD.>>FEBRUARY 12, 2016: “OH, HE’S
TRUMP, ABYSMAL. I KEEP HOPING THE CHARADE
WILL END AND PEOPLE WILL JUST DUMP HIM.” MARCH 3, 2016, PAGE: “GOD, TRUMP
IS A LOATHSOME HUMAN.” STRZOK: “OH, MY GOD. HE’S AN IDIOT.” “TRUMP IS A DISASTER.” “HE’S NOT EVER GOING TO BECOME
PRESIDENT, RIGHT?” “TRUMP IS AN F-ING IDIOT.” “WOW, DONALD TRUMP IS AN
ENORMOUS DOUCHE.”( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YEAH. A DAMNING– A DAMNING CHAIN OF
TEXTS. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, I CAN
UNDERSTAND WHY GRAHAM IS FURIOUS. NOT ONLY IS THAT OVERT BIAS BY
F.B.I. AGENTS. THEY’RE STEALING GRAHAM’S BEST
MATERIAL.>>YOU KNOW HOW YOU MAKE AMERICA
GREAT AGAIN? TELL DONALD TRUMP TO GO TO HELL. I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS A CON
MAN. I THINK HE’S A KOOK. I THINK HE’S CRAZY. I THINK HE’S UNFIT FOR OFFICE. HE HAS BECOME TOXIC. THE WORLD’S BIGGEST JACKASS. HE’S A RACE-BAITING, XENOPHOBIC,
RELIGIOUS BIGOT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: OKAY, WILL THE LAST VERTEBRA TO LEAVE LINDSEY
GRAHAM’S SPINE PLEASE REMEMBER TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS? GRAHAM’S NOT THE ONLY REPUBLICAN
STICKING BY TRUMP THROUGH THICK AND… LET’S JUST STICK WITH THICK. HOUSE REPUBLICANS ARE FIGHTING
OFF IMPEACHMENT, REGARDLESS OF HOW IT MIGHT LOOK IN THE HISTORY
BOOKS, LIKE OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN LEARNING THEY DON’T MAKE
MEAT-FLAVORED SELTZER, JIM JORDAN. JORDAN TOLD THE HUFFINGTON POST,
WHEN IT COMES TO FUTURE GENERATIONS, “I DON’T CARE HOW
I’M REMEMBERED.” WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE THEY’VE
ALREADY CARVED YOUR HEADSTONE.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER TRUMP ALLY– IT TAKES A
SECOND TO READ IT. ANOTHER TRUMP ALLY OUT THERE WHO
DOESN’T CARE HOW HISTORY REMEMBERS HIM IS NORTH CAROLINA
REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN JUST TOO TIRED TO HAIL SATAN, MARK
MEADOWS. MEADOWS INSISTS, “MOST OF THE
HISTORICAL COMMENTARY WILL BE ABOUT THE PROCESS MORE THAN THE
INDIVIDUALS.” YEAH, HISTORY IS ALL ABOUT
PROCESS. NOBODY REMEMBERS THE GUYS WHO
WROTE THE CONSTITUTION. WHAT WERE THEY CALLED? “THE STARTER DADDIES?”
( LAUGHTER )
WE ALSO– WE ALSO GOT AN
INTERESTING TAKE FROM UTAH REPRESENTATIVE AND PERSONAL
ATTORNEY TO COLONEL SANDERS, ROB BISHOP. BISHOP HAD AN EVEN MORE
DEPRESSING VIEW ON HIS LEGACY, SAYING THAT “THE IDEA THAT
HISTORY WOULD REMEMBER WHAT REPUBLICANS DO ASSUMES “THAT
WE’RE GOING TO SURVIVE IN THIS COUNTRY LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE
A HISTORY.” OKAY, THAT’S PRETTY BLEAK. I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS HIS
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: “BISHOP 2020: OUR BONES SHALL
RETURN TO THE SILENT DUST.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES IT’S PRESIDENT IS NOT THE ONLY TRUMP EMBARRASSING OUR
COUNTRY OVERSEAS. WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THIS PAST
SUMMER, DONALD TRUMP JR. WENT TO MONGOLIA AND KILLED AN
ENDANGERED SHEEP. FIRST OF ALL, WHO HUNTS SHEEP
( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, THAT’S THE KIND OF
MANLY, PAPA HEMINGWAY RUSH YOU CAN ONLY GET BY SNEAK A HAMMER
INTO A PETTING ZOO. BUT, WAIT, IT GETS DUMBER. ONE REASON THIS ANIMAL IS
ENDANGERED IS BECAUSE IT IS THE LARGEST SHEEP IN THE WORLD. YES, DON JR.’S GOING AFTER ONLY
THE MOST-ELUSIVE PREY.( AS DON JR. )
“NEXT, I’M HUNTING THE RARE MORBIDLY-OBESE SLOTH! THE TRICK IS TO KILL THEM BEFORE
THEY DIE OF CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE.”( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IF TAKING DOWN A REALLY BIG SHEEP WASN’T ACHIEVEMENT ENOUGH,
DON JR. DID THE DEED AT NIGHT, USING A RIFLE WITH A LASER
SIGHT. AND YOU, TOO, CAN EXPERIENCE ALL
THE PULSE-POUNDING EXCITEMENT IN THE NEW VIDEO GAME, “CALL OF
DUTY: FARMYARD NAP TIME.” WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *